Sick Bay 2009, Part 9

And at 10:46, we are coming up to the end... And so, it is our final report LIVE from The Couch!

-Kings Of Leon MTV promo ad of them playing golf and cursing made me like them more.

-Samberg changes outfit and announces it. Weird. Susan Lucci throws up in her mouth a little.

-Jim Carey wins Best Comedic Performance for Yes, Man and gets a standing O. Who saw Yes, Man? I didn't say yes. Mentions Prop 8 and swine flu in in his over-rehearsed

acceptance monologue.

-I owe myself ten bucks as Ferrell and Popcorn Man were onscreen together thus ensuring they are not one in the same. Oops. You got me, MTV. You got me.

-Heath Ledger wins Best Villain award. We find this out in brief pre-commercial announcement. Thank you for that MTV. For reals.

-Denzel presents Best Movie award to... wait for it... Twilight. I know?! Who would have guessed.

Good night and safe home everybody. This has been Jenn reporting LIVE from The Couch reminding everyone to have your pets spayed or neutered.

Sick Bay 2009, Part 8

Breaking News! Live from The Couch.

-New Twilight clip gets more screams. Jacob? Buff. Transformation to werewolf? Needs work.

Clip makes me wanna re-read books.

-Oscar mock of Ben Stiller's MTV Generation Award presentation is actually kinda funny. Until they add Ben Stiller. Zac Efron was 5 when Reality Bites came out. Christ, I'm old.

- I think WTF Award should have gone to the dude in the Popcorn Man suit. Seriously? WTF?!

-Wonder who will win Best Female Award? Kate Winslet in The Reader? No, wait... Kristen Stewart! Shocker. Why is she so angry? Hey Kristen- way to punch a gift horse.

-Channing Tatum is hot. I'd punch his gift horse!

-I like Kings of Leon live. Didn't think I would.

-More than an hour left?? H E L L Cool J, I need more tea.

Sick Bay 2009, Part 7

OK... at the hour and ten mark.... here are my thoughts since last I reported

LIVE From The Couch!

-Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions song is fun until Will Ferrell shows up dressed as Neil Diamond. Stupid.

-Jonah Hill's reaction to Robert Pattinson winning Breakthrough Actor rules. I would like an appearance by Joel McHale with his thoughts on Pattinson's lame-o facial hair.

- BRUNO descends, balls first, on Eminem and his bodyguards proceed to swat him like a pinata. Em walks and somewhere in that mess Zac Efron wins an award. He gives Oscar speech as it is the closest he should ever get.

-Clip from new Potter RULES.

-random audience plants are stupid.

-clip from I Love You, Man reminds me how much I loved I Love You, Man.

-Kristen Stewart is wearing Chuck Taylors and not well.

-Twilight (the song, the actors, the word...) makes people scream.

-Jim Carey as audience plant is stupider.

-LeAnn Rimes sings I Jizz In My Pants. This is only topped by Forest Whitaker singing

Dick In A Box.

-Miley Cyrus is a big fan of Lil Wayne. She's so white. And says... "I wanna thank God. DUH."

(of course, I do like The Climb a lot. So, whatevs.)

Sick Bay 2009, Part 6

Popcorn Man. Yeah. No. Ten bucks says it's Will Ferrell.

MTV loves their men like they love their ice dancers... covered in spandex.

Sick Bay 2009, Part 5

With nothing else on... I have decided to watch MTV. For those of you without strep... here is a wrap up- so far anyway!

Reporting Live from the Couch on this evenings MTV Movie Awards.

You're welcome.

-Opening Bit? Retarded. Not a Samberg fan, I'm sorry. And I am pretty sure Kate Winslet just threw up in her mouth a little (if she is watching).

-Ashley Tisdale (HSM3) wins first award- Break Through Female. She thanks her cast and calls them her "best friends"... cut to Zac & Vanessa who look surprised at this news.

-Samberg welcomes us back from commercial by singing a bit from "This is How We Do It".

I like that.

-A Ha's Take On Me plays during Twilight's Best Fight Scene clip. Robert Pattinson needs a tan when not in vampire mode. We all know he's Edward Cullen.

-Taraji P Hensen likes Eminem a little too much or perhaps, fire ants were in her dress?

-the lemon dill dressing on my salad from BZ Grill might be delish if I didn't have strep.

-Cut to Miley Cyrus during Eminem's performance... she's white. Sandra Bullock? Whiter.

That brings us to the half hour mark... Stay tuned!

Sick Bay 2009, Part 4

5 Hour Nap? 1

Hours of Graham Norton Pre-Nap? 3

Sore, stilted laughs at Graham's crazy antics? Priceless.

But back to the nap... I do love naps. And I think, maybe, potentially- there is an ease in the pain!!! Could the antibiotics be working? Could the lyrics to the Bridezillas theme song really be-

"can't talk to her, can't kill her. She's Bridezilla!"?? Big questions. Big Questions. Next up on the question list... food or who will deliver the bestest comfort food?

Sick Bay 2009, Part 3

Well timed photos arrive during my latest cup of tea! ADORBS!

My neice and nephew sure are cute!

Super Cute Photos To Make Me Feel Better? 30ish

Sick Bay 2009, Part 2

Fuck you, Groomer Has It. For your Quick Sniff challenge grooming stray dogs that no one wants. Like I needed something else to cry about today. I want to adopt all 6 dogs.

And also for your Jason Vorhees, horror movie, knives slashing sound effects. Am I supposed to be scared? Why do you want to scare me AND make me cry? Stupid Animal Planet.

Maybe I can find an episode of some makeover show involving a disaster struck fat single mom with two kids (one in a wheel chair, of course) who lose their house to a tsunami but find love and weight loss through a make over and feng shui?

Skinny Cow Ice Cream Treats? 2

Sick Bay 2009, Part 1

Day 2 of ridiculous return of Swine. I don't think I have swine flu or anything- in fact I think I have spontaneous strep throat. I was feeling sore throat-y on Thursday. Jay came home from school sick on Friday. GREAT show Friday night but very lackluster post-performance behavior from yours truly as I fought the threat of SORER throat. Got home and warned Nannyland that the Hamptons may not be happening for yours truly and heard that Jay was even sicker at that point. And yesterday? Yesterday SUCKED. My throat hurt sooo much that even the Halls of Medicine couldn't help. Strepsils failed! Strepsils never fail- it's why I import them. I called in Dr. Eunice who is convinced she herself has the swine (though as a doctor who recently treated some Fleet Week Swine sailors- she actually has it. Bless)... She called in a Z pack and I am patiently awaiting it to kick in. I hit the sack immediately post-Harper's Island.

This morning, I was up at dawn. I had had this crazy dream that I was in charge of the physical education program for a school run by the mob and had to make a cake for the Mob Boss who was also my lover. I had to steal cake batter in the middle of the night. And Shaun Francis was in it. Weird. Needless to say- gargle, tea, Chloroseptic and two Strepsils later... I was back in bed with Maria Mena and Klondike on the iPod counting the minutes. (The minutes until the antibiotics kicked in- still counting, btw).

So, because I need something else to focus on... as it is only a short leap from hoping these tears will cool my Throat of Fire to thinking about how they haven't helped the ache in my heart in these past 364 days... I am "twitterblogging" my day. I don't twitter. Whatevs. But I will be hopelessly annoying today!! Who's the lucky reader?!

Cups of Tea? 5

Skinny Cow Ice Cream treats? 1

Hours of Bad TV? 2

Minutes Since I started Z Pack? 942

Clucking SICK Again!!!

I Am A Packaging Whore II

What? The tissues are in a box shaped like an orange slice? Yes, please.

Look What's New In The Neighborhood!

I am a Packaging Whore

Even if the packaging is on a store.

Dirty fruit vendor? Never.

Add Hula skirt to the awning? I'm IN!

dirty fruit vendor/ south side of 31st street, astoria


new skirted fruit vendor/ north side of 31st street, astoria

A Giveaway!!

I love a giveaway*. And when the prize is Thin Mints? Oh, I am in!!

And so, A Girl, if I had to choose my own name

(and oddly, I have been lucky enough to actually do so!)... I would choose...

Bella DaBalls

I love the name Bella. It makes me feel pretty and Italian and feminine.

I like DaBalls cause it's tough and fierce and funny.

If Bella had a middle name, it would be Grace.

And Bella would look like this....

*What? You want some Thin Mints? Click on the the Jumping in the Rain Puddles of Life link to the right to see how!

If You Get the Swine, You Get Free Stuff!

Ripped from the pages of Newsday's Fanfare section...

Happy Memorial Day.

Oh, and also- there was baseball.

PBR? 9 dollars.

Calories? 195.

An evening at the NEW Yankee Stadium with cool peeps? Priceless.

(No, really. Priceless. DD got the tickets from work.)

Coupons Be Illin'

Awww, Yeah.

Wow.

Stylish? Sure. (especially to the Ram that sacrificed its horns for this dress)
Scary and Inspiring? Seems so. (see Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada)
Slender? Like a pale, starving African but without the paunch.
Out of Line? Well when you weigh the same as the average 8 year old- who doesn't look like a house? Obviously- I am a 12 bedroom mansion but when runway models are 3 floor townhouses- I say "come on over, my house is fabUlous and has cookies, bitch!"

"I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses."
-Anna Wintour, editor of Vogue, on the prevalence of obesity in the U.S.

Thank You, Owners of the BFG Apartment Building!

For planting these however long ago you did... They have maintained their loveliness and I am grateful to see them bloom!

Oh, and they smell nice, too!

Good Thang Quatro!

Oh, Cat Deeley... I missed you so. And here we are- just 46 minutes into the first show of the new season and you are already beautiful and charming and just flat out adorbs! Girl crush? Back on!! And how can that not be a Good Thang?

Good Thang The Third!

Look what my Mama did? Knowing the week I have had and the deaths that have plagued the patio and well, me... she pressed some lilies of the valley from her house and sent them to me!! That is a Good Thang! And my Mama... is beyond a Good Thang! And I love her.

Out of The Mouths of Babes!

Facebook Message from High School Friend:

Hey Jen! My little girl just hopped on my lap as I was on my FB friends page. She saw your pic. and said,"Daddy, that girl looks cool!" Daddy said," good eye honey. She is cool, very cool."

Said High School Friend and I in 1990

And the Lord* Said....

...let there be LIFE on the patio!

7 (yep, 7) dead baby birds, one dead mouse and the loss of a second fish are enough.

NO MORE!

(said a la Jim Belushi in The Principle)

NO MORE!!

Kick it Hosta!

Do the Cabbage Patch, Cabbage!

Curly Whirly Parsley and Say What Squash!


Ta Ta Tomatoes!

That's Amore, baby.... Roma Tomatoes and Basil? YUM!

Hammer Thyme!

Baby Got Begonias!

Purple Reign!


(*in this post- the role of "the Lord" will be played by ME, Lord of The BFG Apartment!)

Got Him!!!

Another Good Thang

En Vogue back together. I don't mean to "date" myself but... I remember watching this episode of Arsenio Hall in high school. And of course, I saw En Vogue open for Vanilla Ice (who was opening for MC Hammer) in 1990. Just saying... These four women singing together again? That's a VERY Good Thang.

Hope You Didn't DVR...

'Cause you won't be alive long enough to watch it, Motha Clucka!

Did you watch a fine episode of L&O? Dane Cook's new comedy special? Mouse porn?

Well, you got your last TV show, beyotch...

your ass is mine!

Good Thang.

We need some goodness up in the BFG Apartment!! Illness, death, and don't even get me started on the evidence that I have a cluckin' mouse!! None of these are a Good Thang. So... I am startin' a Good Thang Series!

And first up... SmartFood Popcorn Clusters!

They are GOOOOOD! I have only tried the Chocolate Cookie Caramel Pecan. But I like the CCCP so... happy to carry on with it! And not just delicious... each bag has 120cal and 2grams of fat. And fiber, too!! It is a great snack! And a Good Thang!

Zombie Ants???

Enough about me and my dead birds and my swine flu (which appears to be just a regular ass flu that knocked me off my feet and seems to be getting better).... Let's talk Zombie Ants!!

Scientists in Texas have hired a swarm of tiny phorid flies to like my flu, kick the ass of hordes of fire ants! Apparently, the flies attack the fire ants and lay their eggs inside 'em. The larvae cruise up into the ants' heads, which eventually FALL OFF and the ants just wander aimlessly.... some might say Zombie Like, until the adult fly hatches/the ant dies. How nuts is that?? I see a movie here people.... (ant)Hill of The Dead? (ant)Queen of the Damned? The Fly (that makes ants into zombies)?

What? Potential Swine Flu isn't enough...

...well, how about not just another dead baby bird but one that is ALMOST dead? That way, you can spend the entire day alternating between feeling miserable and lethargic AND sitting on the patio staring at a dying baby bird.....

Here is the state of things right now.

Me with (Swine) Flu

Dying Baby Bird

Dear Big Guy- This may kill me. Enough. Maybe tomorrow I will feel stronger. But for now? Enough. love, jenn

Swine Flu? Check Yes or No.

Symptoms of swine flu are like regular flu symptoms and include fever, cough, sore throat, runny nose, body aches, headache, chills, and fatigue. Many people with swine flu have had diarrhea and vomiting. Nearly everyone with flu has at least two of these symptoms. But these symptoms can also be caused by many other conditions. That means that you and your doctor can't know, just based on your symptoms, if you've got swine flu. It takes a lab test to tell whether it's swine flu or some other condition.

OK, not looking good, people. I gots it all except the runny nose. No diarrhea or vomiting either. Will keep you posted. Have called Dr. Eunice. She will make it better. This is all shades of wrong. I need a nap. Clucking Swine Flu.

...Breaking News...

Three more Queens schools are closed due to new swine flu outbreak. This is pure coincidence and not a sign that I have swine flu. Sure, I have all the symptoms but they are also the symptoms of regular flu. I have regular flu. Just a standard flu bug. Right?? RIGHT!!!

Fever.

I was feeling pretty gross yesterday. The sore throat I had had for a couple of days was turning into that achy feeling- swollen glands, headache, all tea all the time feeling. And I though I had a slight fever. Not much into thermometers so, a fever as told by the back of my hand on forehead method. Went to work though more for appearances sake, made it through therapy and then came home and fell asleep on the couch for 5 hours. Woke up in time for Housewives Part 2, of course but was clearly not enjoying it as I would have wanted to. (Though seriously, Kelly- when even Ramona thinks you are crazy- you're crazy.)

I am feeling better this morning but last night was not pretty. I went to bed with a 101 fever (finally got out the thermometer) and spent the night cursing my pillow for not having a "cool spot". That's how much heat my head was giving off. Yikes.

Maybe I got the bird flu??

Recap. Housewives. New Jersey.

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

"Teresa is also a treat because she has three daughters. Their names are Milano, Asti Spumante, and Prosciutto Royale and they are all beautiful talented little bundles of vicariousness. Teresa claims that she is not a stage mother, no way bucko. She just likes to make her six-year-old daughter, Risotto, pose in sexy rapstress poses and would like her to have an acting and singing and dancing and modeling agent in New York City. Because, you know, the little fucker is just plain talented. And there's no denying that. Why fight the spotlight, you know? You can't. You just can't fight the spotlight."

Richard Lawson's recap on Gawker may have just saved this horrible, scone and death filled day. These Housewives and their bubbies are riDONKulous! But this recap is something else!

(Thanks, TwoCanAnne, for having a link...) Now, I must Gawk- who knew??

full article here....

http://gawker.com/5252367/real-housewives-of-new-jersey--make-our-garden-state-grow

And then there were three...

So, I bury the two baby birds I find this morning. The Gnomes and I come together for a moment of silence. Papa Bird makes an appearance. We tip out some bread for our fallen homies. (Which is much more play than last week's dead bird got as I feel personally invested in this nest having been adopted by My Bird).... I go to get my laundry. Come back. And there was a third. A THIRD! Three babies in one day from the same nest. I couldn't bring myself to make another headstone. Awful. Just awful.

Circle of life- blah, blah, sob.

a sad, sad day on the bfg patio....

"Evidently, it's a bright, shiny vagina."

On a random wander 'round the Barnes and the Noble one afternoon, I stumbled on the book The Devil You Know by Mike Carey. It looked good. Professional British exorcist, paranormal stuff, mayhem, chaos, etc... the perfect book to take with me on Nannyland's Spring Break Tour.

I did not expect to have to have it all but surgically removed from my hand. It is STUPID good. Clever, deadpan, creepy, smart, funny- EVERYTHING I love in a book. With the added bonus of not being able to get it's sequels in the US! (It's like a disease, I swear.) But I love Mike Carey so much that I promptly hit up the amazon.co.uk and got books 2, 3, and 4. Which I devoured. Devoured! I shipped book one to Jason. Talked it up so much that Gary bought it also. (and LOVED it) Mr. Carey is a very successful comic book writer. And as a novelist- he is so good, I wanna buy comic books. I have never bought myself a comic book. Ever.

All I can say is... if you are able. If you like this kind "shudderingly noir" thing (an apt description provided by Daily Express)- then run, walk, order this shit, yo! Felix Castor, freelance exorcist, is da' bomb. And Mike Carey is a helluva writer.

The title is a quote from Book 4... Thicker Than Water

and who doesn't love a bright, shiny vagina?

I Heart Buffalo.

And me being me, how shocking that after family, of course-

the things that make me love my birth place are edible!!

Wings, Beef on Weck and Sponge Candy? Now that's a friggin' meal, people!