Sunday 27 February 2011

I Like Old Pictures.

This is Grandma Celice. In addition to liking her name an awful lot- I think she & I would have gotten along! The blouse? The gloves? Bracelet AND clutch? Pure Sass!
Is it just me or does Uncle Ben look like he will be killing everyone in this picture later?
As I know the spawn of these people- I know he didn't take out all of them!!
Old pictures are fun!

Friday 25 February 2011

Funny Story...

In order to tell this story, I have to come clean. I drive too fast. I know I do. I always have. I consider myself a very safe driver but I do drive fast. It has been easily 10 years since I have gotten a speeding ticket (except for that one I got picking up Ripley but it was in West Virginia so doesn't count) and for a NYC girl- I drive a lot. Back and forth to the Hamptons, in and out of Manhattan, hither and yon to the 'rents, oh- and that cross country trip to Oregon.

But last summer, I got a ticket. I was rushing from camp to the vet in East Hampton- whatevs. I paid it. I plead guilty (as I was), I forgot about it. Until December. When I got a ticket coming home from the 'rents. The 65 had become a 55, I didn't notice, I paid it. The end.

OK- I got two. I know. Bad. I get it. Slow down. I know. This is not a story about that. This is a story about what happened next.

Two weeks or so ago, I got a letter from the DMV explaining that my license was to be suspended for 31 days starting March 4th. I was to surrender my license at the DMV in Flushing before that date. But then the letter got confusing- for $85, I could have a restricted license. For $50, I could get the suspension lifted. As I had already paid a couple hundred beans in ticket fees, I didn't enjoy the idea of paying more. And also- why did I have to surrender my license? Clearly, the DMV has a computer system. I need it to get into places where I go to be funny. PLUS- I had never heard of any of this happening to anyone! So, I made the trek to the DMV in Flushing (a 20 minute DRIVE) (unless you're me-I can do it in 15) (just kidding.)

Clearly, there was a sale going on. And at the risk of sounding like Diamond Don- it had been posted in every Juan, Chow Fat and Shanequa's hot spots! I was outnumbered, out scented (P.U.) and annoyed before I even joined the FOUR HOUR line!! So, I went upstairs to the Traffic Division. I did, after all, have a traffic matter at hand. I still waited an hour. Standing. Listening to more Derron, Jose and Mohammed's whine and bitch and moan. Torture. And then I got to the window.

DMV folk are not notoriously friendly and my teller/ barista/ bitch was no different. I was chipper and friendly (despite the circumstances) not fighting my punishment just asking for clarification. She was all, "What? Your license is suspended. Buy an ID if you need one." Then she dropped the bomb. "Besides, since you didn't pay your assessment, your license has been suspended since January anyway. You need to go downstairs for that." Sphincter says what? When I asked how would I know about this assessment that I had never heard of, she showed me her computer screen and said, "In a letter. It's right here if you think I am lying." My restraint at this point should be noted cause all I wanted to do was punch her. Instead, I politely remarked that I had not received such a letter so could not have known about this assessment. She informed me that "in this state when you get 6 points, you have to pay to drive. Next." For the record, I hate her. Remember the line downstairs was FOUR HOURS LONG.

I was done. Fork. Stuck. Done. So, I went home and blew my diet with a cupcake and vowed to handle it the next day. Little did I know, the sale at the DMV would be at the Harlem branch, too!

I arrived at that branch (via public transport, for the record) at 11AM. I didn't get seen until 2:15. They made me throw away my coffee. I read Dean Koontz. I listened to Adele. I played solitaire. I texted my boss. I listened to people argue in more languages than I knew existed- with each other, with someone on the phone, with the DMV staff. "I've been here two hours!" "Baby, I said I was sorry. I am at the DMV." "If you just told me what to do I could do it, bitch." Good times. By the time my number (D845, in case you are wondering) arrived and I could approach window 11, I was almost delirious. It is only by the grace of the Baby Jesus that my teller was lovely. At one point she asked me to get out of her window cause she couldn't laugh anymore. For the record, I love her.

Here's the breakdown, people. Because I didn't pay installment numero uno of the $300 assessment I didn't know about, I got further penalized. Then I got another ticket. So, I made it worse. It didn't matter that I paid my tickets like a good girl, didn't fight them with some crazy ass story, was polite to the officers. In short, it didn't matter that I accepted my consequences with grace- I got to accept them with money! I am not sure how me paying $300 should be called a Driving Assessment. It should be called a Bank Account Assessment. And then the fact that they added another $350 should be called Assault with a Deadly Fee. I haven't felt so violated since I walked off a Disney ride (that I paid $50 to get into the park and ride) and into a Gift Shop that I wasn't escaping without a $75 magnet!!!

It was when I asked if she was getting a cut that she told me to get out of her window. Then she dropped the bomb. "You can keep your license if you need it for ID and now that you paid the $750, it is valid for driving until March 4th but before the 31 days is up- you need to come back and pay $50 to have the suspension lifted."

WHAT?!?!?! How is this state broke? Seriously. I am stunned. I burst out laughing- a sound all 450 people in the DMV seldom heard, I am sure. My new BFF was tickled that I found it all so funny. I said, "it's either laugh or punch you in the face." So, I have to pay a fee to end the punishment I paid a fee to enjoy after paying fees in the first place!!!

I can't wait to hear what my shrink has to say about this next week, Since I missed my appointment with her to experience this afternoon delight. My appointment was at 2:30 and at 2:00 they were on D842, I wasn't going. I was singing And I Am Telling You and mentally calculating the fee for canceling at the last minute.

Moral of the story? a) don't speed/get caught speeding and 2) FIGHT IT! Everytime. Kick, scream, learn another language and scream in that, too.

Have you ever heard a funnier story? I mean, really. I should charge you a fee just for reading it!


Wednesday 23 February 2011

Really?!?!?


Vivienne Westwood Line
London Fashion Week
2011

She CHOSE this!!


Monday 21 February 2011

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes!

What a difference a weekend makes...

Sunday 20 February 2011

I like my cotton candy like I like most things....


...warm, dry & non-sticky!!!
Kaufman Astoria Theater Lobby

"I told you to take the Wizard's staff!!"

OK- I know, it's too early to even jam him into the soil but the daffodils are peaking and I couldn't resist! This is my new gnome, Gandalf!
"You shall not pass!"
"Fly, You Fools!"
Playing the part of The Balrog- Ripley, of course!

Friday 18 February 2011

Some Friday Fun For YOU!

Ripley & I enjoying apples and peanut butter on my NEW plates!!
B.Berry, Bills Fan!
Bitch. Step Off My Pheasant.
Ripley, Attack Mode* in the Hamptons!
*this is her new "lazy attack mode" in which she sits and then goes into her low creepy stalker pose...

Saturday 12 February 2011

Gnomeo & Juliet: A Wee Review!

So, yesterday was the big day! 2:25, Real D 3D, popcorn & cherry coke and
GNOMEO & JULIET!!!

What a sweet, charming little movie! Just adorable. The girls in front of me giggled at the gnomes almost smooching, didn't get the Shakespeare references, and gasped at the dramatic ending! They were very cute. Tybalt was still a dirty, sexy, bad boy gnome despite his flowered belly. Nannette was the dippiest frog and Paris her perfectly dippy match. Featherstone was the lawn flamingo I have always wanted! And 'Shroom reminded me why I love mushrooms but don't eat them! Tunes by Elton lent a lovely touch- as did the Dolly Gnome! And the steamy romance of Gnomeo & Juliet? Gnome-tastic!!

My 2 cents? It needed more! MORE! It is a very British movie and it needs to be. I can't imagine a ShakeGnomian Tale not being British. And as we all know, I got a thing for the Brits- so it worked for me. The problem is it needed an American edit. A BAM! A kick it up a notch! A little extra frosting AND sprinkles! I wish they had asked- I would have helped! :) And also- TOYS!!! Where are the toys?!


Friday 11 February 2011

Some Friday Sweetness for You!

Tootie & Don Don
January '11

Tuesday 8 February 2011

And The GOLD for My Favorite Super Bowl Commercial Goes To....

the Silver Medal?

Cram It In The BOOOOOT!

and the Bronze goes to....

(though I am not sure why Kramer got the Bills jersey!)

Newest, Funnest Etsy Find!

How great is this art?! So stylistically fab!!
This one is called Lumberjack Breakfast
And this one is called Count Abernathy Was An Avid Bird Watcher
All painted by a fella calling himself Matte Stephens and available on Etsy HERE!
He also has a BLOG....
Go, look around and enjoy!!

Monday 7 February 2011

R U Kidding ME?!

Until yesterday, I was only vaguely aware of who voiced the characters in the breathlessly anticipated Gnomeo & Juliet. I knew that the drop dead gorgeous Emily Blunt & James McAvoy were the leads and that Elton John was musically involved... But while googling for toys related to the flick (Um, donde esta said toys, Touchstone? ), I was thrilled to see that ridiculously awesome Ashley Jensen is the voice of Nanette! But then I saw the greatest news of all....

My second husband-to-be, Jason Statham, is the voice of Tybalt!!!! Friday can't get here fast enough!!!

ps... my sweet pal, Miki, pointed out in a finely outraged way this weekend that this should have been MY movie! I should have thunk of it, wrote it, voiced it, directed it- and DAMN if she isn't right!! I love her for her faith in my talent (among a slew of other reasons) and I will kick myself daily!

Friday 4 February 2011

Seriously? Seriously.

How cute are these????
The crafter described them as such:
"An eco-friendly response to your predatory needs!"
This is a special kind of felting that I don't know how to do but if I did, I would totally make these first! Ridonkulous!
And handmade in Poland... Get them here!

Wednesday 2 February 2011

More Icy Goodness!

Although, it was not the least bit fun walking the dog on the ice rink the sidewalk had become by 7AM but after the mad rush to get her business done had passed and I found my footing- I couldn't help but notice how delightful everything looked in it's icy shell!


Tuesday 1 February 2011

My New Crush!

Some people have crushes on stars, office mates, local baristas but not long ago I was introduced to the Fire King and I can't stop hoping to see more. Google, Etsy, eBay.... I am searching high and low. Afraid to commit. But yesterday, I broke a plate. And it was like a sign. My new (old) Fire King is on the way! It is just the beginning. There is so much more to embrace.

That's right. I have a crush on a vintage dish line. Produced only from 1960-1962. Dainty, feminine pink & red flowers with grey leaves. And somehow, the milk glass, Primrose pattern remind me of my Grandmothers.

I haven't loved a King this much since the Arctic King. And My King, Christopher, of course!

I can't wait until my random "filler" set arrives! And to build my collection from there!!