Oh, Trumaine.

They called you Trumaine, the Ebony Lover. And now they will call you Cellmate 546432. Taxes. They bite you in the ass everytime. Even one as fine as Wesley's.

High Atop the Met...

There lives a Golden Balloon Dog!

Kudos to Jeff Koons for such a cool piece of art!

Until Season 2....

If you didn't watch it, the Real Housewives of New York ended last night with a chaotic and wonderful reunion show! Why should you catch the reruns? Because between the fund raisers, the dinners, the kids (wait they had kids? EXACTLY), the Hamptons and the ridiculous, clawing bitchiness... It is like watching my job!

DELISH!
PS... Dear Bravo, next season, can we please have more Rosa The Nanny?

SHE was my favorite!!

Huh?

Ummm, did no one want to rethink this??

Spring Has Sprung!

Fingers crossed, all that my green thumb exists!!

I am plantin'!

Chris and I went to Home Depot today and bought

dahlias, tomatoes, parsely, lemon balm, more plants...

And I put some out on the patio already!!

YAHOOO!

And While I am Crafting...

...I am making this get-up for Ms DaBalls! How spectacular would that be? I could call it...

Bella's Peacock Plumage!
Take that, Ann Schutt!

She Sells Seashells!

I am uber-proud of my seashell shadow boxes. I painstakingly tried to place each shell and still get irritated that I can see a bit of waxed paper where the shells rearranged themselves! Anyone who has been in my bathroom has had them pointed out to them!

But if I am disappointed, I think Ann Schutt here would be mortified!

Look what the old biddy does with her shells!

She called this one "Ramsey's Peacock Plumage"!

Do you think she meant Gordon?

Now, I have to go to Michaels! I should know better than to buy Martha Stewart Living!

A hunt for the right pet!

Here's the thing, I am still in mourning for the loss of my beloved hermit crabs but I think they would want me to move on. They know I have a lot of love to give and they would hate for a pet to miss out. And thus... I need a new pet!! There's always fish.... I like fish. But I would like a furry pet. And until Matt gets here- travel is not out of bounds and thus it needs to be a self sufficient furry pet! So, a puppy is out. And cats make me sneeze. I am open for suggestions, people!

But until I get a suggestion I like- I offer up for debate... the Sugar Glider!!! How cute is this tiny marsupial! And although they are considered exotic, they are legal in NY!! I guess you have to get two though as they need a constant companion. Maybe they would leave me out... Maybe they wouldn't want to watch Step it Up and Dance... I don't know, they are cute though!

Me at Comix!

Jenn Wehrung, originally uploaded by Anya Garrett.

I recently googled myself! Admit it... who hasn't found themselves alone and awake, late at night and just given in to the urge?? I am weak! Anyway, the last time I googled myself, I found these picks on flickr that I didn't know were taken and I like 'em a lot! So, now that I have permission from the fine photographer (Anya Garrett)... I can share!

I was doing a show for the fab Anne Altman, btw! NYC coproducer of Get Mortified! Get Mortified is like, totally rad!
www.getmortified.com

An Idiot's Guide To...

...The Metro!!

For those who don't have one in their town- the Metro is like a Cliffs' Notes version of the day's paper! It's free. It's like "the news for people with ADD". That is my slogan, btw.

Theirs is "The world's largest global newspaper"... Whatevs!

Anyway, these are my highlights to today's issue of the Metro.

Which clearly unveils itself as a guide to idiots!

--A mental patient accused of hacking a Manhattan psychotherapist to death with a meat cleaver in February will offer an insanity defense.

--(Pope) Benedict pledged that pedophiles wouls not be priests in the Catholic Church: "I do not wish to talk at this moment about homosexuality, but about pedophilia, which is another thing..."

--There's nothing wrong with women making dough. But nowadays, women are earning more money than ever before,which means their mate-vetting process is likely to get a bit more finicky.

--Viriginia Tech nearly normal on anniversary

--Thin is out in France

So, what have we learned from today's Metro?

Bringing a meat cleaver to therapy is crazy, animals who fuck small children are different from gays (thank you, Benny! Who knew!!), chicks can make money but should still date whoever looks twice at them, honoring those we have lost should not inerrupt your 8AM class, and

I am moving to France!

Because once is not enough!

And in this one... the Pope is called "The Primate of Italy"?? Really!!

I have been singing it all day!

You Better WORK! -- Cycle 2

I totally want to host America's Next Top TODDLER Model!

Because I am surrounded by beautiful kiddies!!

That grin, the windswept hair, the sunny yellow...

Tom & Miki- she's a stunner!

"Two beautiful toddlers stand before me but I only have one picture in my hands...Damn Girl! Noted fashion photographer, Nigel Barker- she's crying and chewing her stiletto! Runway Diva Extraordinaire, Miss Jay- HELP!"

It's ain't the logo...

...it's the coffee!

And the prices that also suck!

And, perhaps, the lack of available spices...

FYI: in attempt to shore it's flagging sales/market value- Starbuck's is trying a change in logo.

Ahhh, ye olde Band Aid on an axe wound fix!!

60 Second Idol!

I feel like it has been long enough that I can post this without giving anything away! But I am posting it for two reasons... 1) I am so glad someone else noticed the completely inappropriate signage and 2) I want this guys t-shirt!

Where's Andrae! Love it!!

Eli!!!!

My harmonica-ly gifted nephew!

Spring has Sprung!

For those of you that don't know, the BFG Apartment has a patio. Whoever laid it, left holes for things to go in! (I am so childishly dirty...) But as I did some "gardening" today so that I could plant some seeds of my own... and guess what is growing all by its lonesome- Mint and Pansies!!

Anyone got any garden suggestions?? I have to make myself a mojito!

Two Suggestions to Bowl You Over!

One I say a big, fat yes to and the other.... not in a million years!

If the Good Lord had meant for us to shit together well...

I don't know what he would have done!

I appreciate the energy saving joint flush that the TwoDaLoo provides and all

but my money would be on the Fish-N-Flush any day!!

FYI: The TwoDaLoo is a $1400 investment. But it is an investment in the environment and one's relationship! (according to the web site anyway- I don't believe in that type of intimacy myself!) But the Fish-N-Flush is a staggering bargain at $300!! Toilet seat cover not included!

You better WORK!!

Ladies and gents...

I give you Frank James, America's Next Top Model!

Seriously, how stunning is this picture!?

The pout, the grass, those eyes, the daffodil!

Annie and John- you sure do make pretty outlaws!!

I Vote Chloe!!!

You Go, Girl!!!

While Hollywood may be known for exporting images of pencil-thin women, Surrey, England, appreciates that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.Chloe Marshall, who is a size 16, won the Miss Surrey 2008 title. Now a competitor for Miss England, the 17-year-old teen says: "It's what I was born to do -- posing for the camera. And as I keep saying, I love my body.
"People seem desperate to get me to say that I don't, that deep down I'm not happy and would rather be thin, but the fact is I wouldn't change myself at all."

In Other News...

It appears that in the heart of downtown Portland, for a mere coin,

you can spend 90 minutes in a Port-a-Potty!!

That is enough time to eat lunch, process AND expel!!

In NYC, this would be a $2500 a month, one bedroom!

Until next time, Eli!

Denn dov ooh, E I!

Denn ovs Jeff and Kelli, too!!

And on the Lord's Day...

...we played golf! Eli got new 2 year old sized clubs for his birthday

(and a new golf shirt from yours truly) and they got their big debut at the driving range today!

I even hit a few with 'em but didn't look nearly as cute!

We interrupt this run of Eli pics...

...to bring you a word from Aidan!!!! At 6 months old- he really is a cutie patootie! And so are Jenn and Augie, of course!! I borrowed these pics off of the e-album they sent to share with the world! (Well, the world of my blog, that is!)

Good Times! (sans JJ Walker)

There have been snow banks to climb and pinecones to paint and markets to explore (with Goldfish in tow) and CHOCOLATE SCHOOL BUSES from the Oregon Candy Farm!!

DYN-O-MITE!!

Flowers Bloom In Portland....

Welcome to the House That CUTE Built!

Between my ridiculously adorable nephew and their sweet as pie new puppy...

I am getting a cavity! I LOVE IT!

Naked No More!

Squirrel Underpants

Are you sick and tired of squirrels running naked in the trees around your house? Have you had to hide your children's eyes when a tiny furry streaker crosses the sidewalk in front of you? We've got the answer, Squirrel Underpants. All you have to do is catch a squirrel, restrain him carefully, slide on a pair of tiny tighty-whiteys and then let him go. Each pair of 100% cotton briefs is "Proudly Made in America" and features a 2" waist and a tail hole cut in the back.

Help the squirrels hide their nuts for the winter!

$4.95 for 3 pack

PS... maybe we can teach them to put them on themselves with the clever use of tones?

Squirrels have to be as smart as sea bass, right??

Welcome to Pavlov's Diner

So, if scientists can in fact train the black sea bass to swim into the net when they hear a tone that signals feeding time to defray the cost of fish farming... what's next?

Cows that jump onto the slicer to defray the cost of the butcher?

Chickens that pluck themselves?

Sheep that just birth a veal cutlet?

Ding!

Oh, David Cook...

...you had me at Happy Together!

Paper Cuts Don't Stop This Guy!

What a cool and interesting act!! Oh, Susaaanah sent it along and I am a bit in love (with Ennio and her, of course)!! What a clever I-talian! His costume maker is Dutch so big ups to him, too! His story is pretty awesome (on his website)! And I thought I was good with construction paper!

He will be in Boston in May... road trip anyone??