Rats!

Halloween, this year, has been more about my DVR than door to door! See, I can nab all the candy I can eat from the kiddos and I can't remember the last time I bothered with a costume for me... Somehow, Halloween has always been a couples holiday for me. Goin' to a party with your "other" as some fantastic duo- Mork & Mindy, Fred & Ginger, Cop & Donut. Only vaguely aware of where this theory comes from and I admit, I was looking forward to this year.

And yet, as it turns out,

I am not a duo.

So, I helped AL with her Whore of the Hive Bumble Bee Slut costume (or whatever Ricky's tried to call that scrap of material) and J with his "out-of-work, former action star auditioning for Superman" concept, I bought the sweets, cooked the seeds, decorated Trick or Treat land and brought the scary flix. Then I came home to my own Treat (Tony's Red) and no real Trick (unless this whole "we live upstairs and we are assholes." thing is one! Rat bastards)

and even a couple o' mini candy bars.... My costume? Do pajamas count?

My Rat infested pumpkin masterpiece! Inspired by Martha Stewart, taken to the limit by yours truly!

Sadly, for Nannyland, one of the rats resembled those giant blow up rats that are used as part of Union Strikes here in NYC! And well, why go far when you can go TOO far! Thankfully, the monks could join Jenna & me in protesting The Man!

BOOO!

Me- Halloween 1979

Perfume Update!!

Since last I left you... I was not overwhelmed by the Pink Sugar. I kinda second that with the Bvlgari Omnia Crystalline. It was pretty. Then it was powdery. It was not a delicate floral woody experience.

I don't know that I would ever describe myself as a "woman of inner youth and grace with an appreciation for true elegance and luxury". Given my love of cheap wine and Gnomes.

So, maybe- not for me.

I skipped the Calvin Klein Euphoria as I already know I LOVE it- it is the perfume I am trying to replace!! Though I am "provocative. sexy. sensual." (DUH!)

I am enjoying the Givenchy Very Irresistible Givenchy Sensual. Longest Name EVER though! It was lovely and mysterious at first and I liked it thru the day. It was both "seductive and captivating". Although by afternoon... it was gone! Maybe that is the "spontaneity" of which the ad speaks. On minute it's there and then POOF- gone. But I like Liv Tyler. And maybe, maybe- I should have used the free atomiser that is included with the kit?!

I will certainly know better for tomorrow's day of L.A.M.B.!

And speaking of- is this not the most stunning pic of Gwen and baby, Zuma?!

Dumb name. Stunning Baby! She got Daddy's eyes...

Oh, Aidan...

I have tried to post this not once but twice now and failed both times! Hopefully, third times a charm! If not, maybe Aidan can do it??

Sephora. How I love thee!

So, I ordered this Fiberwig mascara that my pal, Anne raved about... and so far (today being my first day) I love it!! There really is nothing I hate more (what a lie, btw) than raccoon eyes! And so far, nada!

Whilst on the site, I decided to have a looksy around- ordered a Christmas gift and then stumbled upon this new, exciting product! For $50- you get 10 samples of perfume (yeah they are the bitty ones but some have spray tops!) and then after you try them all, you can get a full size one with a certificate that is included!!! How great is that? And since I am on the hunt for a new perfume but relatively picky- this is just super! And a Scent Book manual comes with it that breaks down each scent!

And thus- Day One. I tried Aquolina Pink Sugar. This is for the following woman... "Exciting and sensual. Vibrant and ageless." (BTW- the sum up of each woman who wears these perfumes is like a bad Backstage audition post) The scent itself is an "Italian blend of Sicilian orange and bergamot, with mouthwatering notes of vanilla, and caramel wrapped around a creamy marshmallow center and rounded by intoxicating aromas of sensual woods." Ummm, what?!

OK- according to me... at first spray, delish! I felt "sexy, happy and fun". It reminded me a bit of Hanae Mori, an old school fave of mine. Vanilla-y and caramel-y. But after about an hour, I felt like I had rolled in a vat of cotton candy! Which was a bit gross. Fine if I was a staff member for a 6 year olds birthday tea party! Not my fave! Strike one!

Next up...Bulgari Omnia Crystalline! So stay tuned!

Eat It! I Dare You!

Normally, I like my ice cream like I like my fellas.... Not Vanilla! But every once in awhile something (or someone) comes along and broadens my horizons! In this case- it was Colonel Pearce with a Candlestick. No wait, it was Chris and Haagen Dazs Carmel Cone. EAT IT! So friggin' good! Chocolate covered pieces of waffle cone, caramel swirls... Damn you, Chris! Damn you.

No wait... thank you! From the bottom of my fat(ter) ass!

And Speaking Of Bargains...

Only $64.99?!

One-Stop-Uzi-Shop.com! Only $375!

"WESTFIELD, Mass. (Oct. 28) - With an instructor watching, an 8-year-old boy at a gun fair aimed an Uzi at a pumpkin and pulled the trigger as his dad reached for a camera.
It was his first time shooting a fully automatic machine gun, and the recoil of the weapon was too much for him. He lost control and fatally shot himself in the head....."

http://news.aol.com/article/boy-8-killed-in-gun-show-accident/226339

So the rest of the article is at the above link or you can google it as the story differs from source to source in some ways- however, not in the ways that matter! And they are this- an 8 year old was allowed by his father and a shooting instructor to fire an Uzi! This may be a rallying cry for gun control for a lot of peeps but as a girl who grew up around guns, I make the same argument I have always made... This should be a rallying cry for actual parenting!!! My brother and I knew that if we touched ANY of my Dad's guns or even the gun cabinet- well, we were dead meat! And having shot several guns in my lifetime, most recently a 357 Magnum, I can't count the times the recoil has almost knocked me on my fat ass. ANY adult who thinks an 8 year old can handle a semi-automatic weapon while they go get their camera for a fucking picture of this debacle should be shot.

This was clearly an accident. The gun show itself was advertised as "all legal and fun!" "Full Auto Rock and Roll"! The father was quoted as saying, "This accident was truly a mystery to me." Dad is the director of emergency medicine at Johnson Memorial Hospital in Stafford, Conn. "This is a horrible event, a horrible travesty, and I really don't know why it happened."

I can answer that... GUNS ARE NOT TOYS!!! I was taught that earlier than I can remember. Where did that lesson get lost? Under a pile of X Box games and Rated R ticket stubs in an 8 year olds room, perhaps? I mean, Neo has two in the Matrix! The loss of this child was completely preventable. A lack of common sense is clearly deadly.

Not for nothing...

...but should a holiday I have NEVER heard of called Diwali really suspend street sweeping??

Gettin' Our Hairs Did!

I Heart Warren Sapp!

Not a huge fan of Dancing With The Stars- even less so after viewers, press and co-stars alike went after Lacey and Cheryl for being "fat"! I wish I was a fat as these two stunning dancers! Anyway- I had it on tonight, kinda by accident (was trying to get thru my DVR'd shows) and got to see Warren Sapp. He RULES! Not just because he is a big black man- but because he is a big black man who can MOVE! Kick some ass, Warren! Start with Leachman and Lucci- they couldn't suck more!

A Funny Tale...

My pal Lisa posted this on her Facebook page... in addition to the trueness of the tale, I just like the phrase Post Turtle! I will be using at as much as possible from here on out!

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.' The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.'

On a side note... when I googled images to find a pic of a "post turtle", I found the story several times with every other candidate tagged in for Palin- I suppose I should tell Lisa that the odds of her friend of a friend being buds with said Old Rancher" are slim...

Crazy Hamptons Peeps!

AL had her Halloween Horse Party yesterday... She won "Most Fun" cause she looked awesome as did her horse Grace (complete with costume made by yours truly) however- I should have guessed that this would be a full on Costume/Money Parade! Where in the world is Matt Lauer? Oh, he was there... missed the show but was at the barn before it- his wife stayed. Thank God because he clearly would have taken away from the kid in black face!!! That's right- the winners had their horses costumed as a donkey and an elephant whilst the riders were McCain, Palin and Obama! (Biden had a previous engagement, perhaps?) Only in the Hamptons, people....

On one hand- my life has come to this???

On the other- next year? We are kicking some horse ass!!!

Oh, Susanna!

Didn't I have the prettiest lunch date of all?! (And her Mommy's pretty darn hot, too!)

Overflow!

Of Birthday Delightfulness!!!

Tea for Three!

Ummm....

amNewYork - October 23, 2008

Libra

 An older friend is your best tutor for a delicate operation.  Learn from a master how to bone a trout or fix a grandfather clock. Or whatever it is that lights your fire. 

So, who among you is older than me and knows how to "bone a trout"?  I mean I realize this includes Diamond Don but...  Not my favorite horoscope, people!

Many Years and (just over) 12 Hours Ago...

I Was Born!
Today, I just feel loved....

my gratitude cup overflows!

Gary!

Have I mentioned how thankful I am for Gary's presence this weekend?? Sure, he fell asleep on the landing and had to be woken in the morning...  but I would have killed several pre-teens if not for his presence.  And how do you thank a person for being so generous of spirit and heart at the same time as he tries to get a group of hopped up on soda, candy eatin', 12 year old boys to say thank you to me for making more tater tots? It is delicious to have a Bad Cop to my already Bad Cop ass- to remind me that we did raise these kids to say please and thank you, to be respectful and listen, to laugh and laugh LOUD and to do as we say, not as we do! (Especially when he lets me pass him in the Pearl loaded with kids while he obeys the Stop sign like a sensible driver!) And for understanding why I am still fragile and a bit broken- regardless of how I seem- well, my love knows no bounds. 

So, get your ass back to New York, G! The kids miss you and so do I...  (bring Kara- she's good for you!) 

12 Year Old Boys...

...8 of 'em! It was a long, fun, frustrating, exhausting weekend!
...but a great time was had by all (the people under 13!)

You've Learned 'bout ME?

Text

From: Unknown

yo, I learned 'bout you, and I wanted to say hi!  Umm, I'm kinda shy, so how about you come find me online. I got a profile at pod-o-date.net

11:48AM Sat Oct18 

Do you think I just got to go to the website and look up "unknown" to find this mystery suitor?  The way he flirts with proper grammar is so enticing.... Clearly, if I got a text- it must be true love!

My Work Here Is Almost Done...

...so, I am ignoring Jay and 7 of his closest buddies right now, here in El Hamptons-o, to share this moment of pride with you all! Starting next week, Jay is taking a 2D Animation class at the Jewish Museum. It's a pretty big deal, famous teacher guy and all... point is, yesterday Ma'am was filling in important things on the Family Calendar I bought us and she did ask me if she should write it like this... I laughed and said "how else would you write it?" but it is truly a show of my influence that she had the balls to do it! I haven't been this proud of her since I came in to find her humming

Girls, Girls, Girls (Motley Crue) while making herself a cup of tea!

Raising a family is never easy but it sure has its rewards!

It's WAY too early for this but...

According to a new study in the New York Times, the fashion industry is WAY off on the size of the average man and woman! Thanks for that breaking news, NYT! A new study, using body scans and 3D technology and maybe, Play Doh- 19% of men are considered portly! Portly! Not that I know exactly what that means but it certainly sounds more lovely and jovial than "Plus Size" which is what the average size 14 woman is considered! 

Shockingly, they also got much more specific with the chicks- the fashion industry average (and I am going to add Hollywood in to boot- no 3D technology here- just a guess!) assumes the average woman to have the following measurements (in inches, of course- though I am not always sure) 35, 27, 37.5! At 5'10" or taller, that's a slender lass or a giant straw.  In real life- the average white chick is 41, 34, 43. Other ethnicities? Black? 43, 37, 46. Hispanic? 42.5, 36, 44. Asian? 41, 35, 43.

Astonishing! Though don't tell that to Janice Dickenson- she cannot get behind this whole Plus Size thing! Clearly, its because no one would see her bony ass. 

Just Watch It.

The REAL Housewives of Atlanta on Bravo

Couldn't. Love. It. More.

Die, Trees, Die!

So, I just got home and was sorting thru the mail that comes to my building. There are three apartments in it (for those who don't know) and although the empty one gets the most mail... I probably come in second! Mainly due to the excessive amount of catalogs I get! Title Nine, Pottery Barn, West Elm, Uncommon Goods- honestly, you name it, I get it. What's that? Horse Pak, the premier equine catalog?? Yep. Get it.

As I was sorting thru today's selection, I thought that this really is too many. Too many. And then I came to the last one in the pile.... it's called Catalog Favorites: A Showcase of Catalog Best Sellers.

A catalog of catalog items!!!! Now THAT is truly one too many catalogs.

The Oregon Trail... In The End.

I miss you desperately already, Doodle Rider!

XO, Denn

The Oregon Trail... Days 5 & 6

...brought us to the end of the state! This, my friends, is the Oregon Coast!
And this is Eli and his beloved, Silly Denn.

The Oregon Trail... Day 4

Diary- Pumpkins. Freezing. Eli = QTPi. TIRED. Night.

AND GET THIS....

At Target, here in Oregon, they can sell BOOZE!!! Now that is a Greatland!

The Oregon Trail... Day 3

Oh, Diary. Sooo Tired. Watching JDMA and waiting for parents. All others have gone to bed. So TIRED! As we don't do politics here, the closest I came to the debates was arguing with Brother Dearest over which channels aired said debate and if that would interrupt his regularly scheduled programming. Did I mention I am tired? But it was also due to our busy, busy, busy day! Today the Trail led to shops! And from Halloween costume to new toys to giant bags of Play Doh- Eli learned that Denn isn't just fun... She also likes to spend money!! Especially, on her favorite nephew! But tomorrow is another day which promises Pumpkin Patches and Nona and Grandpa Don Don. All manner of fun. That is if I get to go to bed....

Eli made some model friends at Kohls!

And really liked his "rrito"!

At CostPlus World Market- we got lots of fun stuff! Including Vosges Chocolate Bacon bars!
(since Kelli has fallen off the meat wagon! They were interesting....)

Eli got many Play Dohs at Kohls but I think Dad and Denn had the most fun!
(for the record- I made the Candy Corn guy and Jeff made the snowman!)

After our exhaustive but futile "Nana Slug" hunt, we played a little catch!

And then baked sugar cookies for dessert! Which we had before and after "pizzapie".

And at the end of the day- Eli was so messy, I just hosed him down! Clothes and all.
He did a little hosing himself... And then bundled into his new jammies for bedtime.
Doesn't that sound delicious?

The Oregon Trail... Day 2

Dearest Diary-
Today has been quite a day. I woke up to Eli and then had the glorious gift of being the first person (other than his Mom & Dad) to put him to bed. There was reading and playing and snuggling and singing ("More singin' Den"). Singing, nose to nose, him just staring at me until, in the middle of On A Bus To St. Cloud, he closed his eyes, snuggled in deeper and fell asleep. I promptly burst into tears. Ahh, Diary. It has been a long, hard, lost summer. And now, as I am about to hit the sack myself- here are some photos of Day 2 on The Oregon Trail.

After being awoken by Eli (in his Fireman costume), we went through our usual first morning stuff- mainly, going through all of Den's bags looking for good stuff! Among them, as you can plainly see- chocolate marshmallows!

Then we went for a walk- I am always gobsmacked by the beauty that Oregon encompasses.
And the size of their leaves!

Eli and I did a little yoga upon our return. He has a DVD. He is very good at it.

And before we knew it... bath time!

The Oregon Trail... Day 1

Dear Diary,

I departed for Oregon many hours ago. The flight was so bad that I spent my five hours drafting a will. Many things about the flight annoyed me- besides the death like turbulence. One is the blatant disregard for the seat belt sign. Why does no one pay attention to this anymore? I needed to use the bathroom, too! But I waited. Like a good passenger! You know what else I didn't do? Cheer at the tiny TV. Granted, I was not watching a sporting event but Family Guy was funny and yet at no time did I feel it necessary to hoot, holler or clap at the seat back in front of me.

Upon arrival, I was met by my lovely brother who's greeting was much less enthusiastic than Otter's! Otter is a very enthusiastic pup! I love him. (For the record, I love Jeff, too). But I was also met with some incredibly sad news. My favorite place to go once I settle in here in Welchs is to the next town over. For there, nestled in the hill side, is a dream land otherwise known as The Oregon Candy Factory. Ahh, sweetness, thy name is chocolate!! And so despite the fact that it was pouring and dark and terribly late... I longed to stop in for a midnight confection! Alas, they have shut their doors for good. At first, I thought Jeff was playing a cruel prank but no.... This is terrible! Devastating. A sad day for all of the Greater Sandy area. (The day it closed anyway... today it is just sad for me).

And so, to bed. Apparently, with Otter. Who at this moment is trying to help me type... Or at least force me to type left handed and with the other, pet him.

Good night, Diary. Until tomorrow....

Did you catch this story?

There is a video- I didn't watch it. I am sure if you want to you can look it up. Here is my question.... How was this 7 YEAR OLD CHILD alone long enough to leave his home and do this? Does he need therapy? Hells yeah! Isn't killing animals Serial Killer 101? But more importantly- the fact that he had that urge may be something biological given his age but the fact that he could act on it is NEGLIGENT PARENTING!!!! Had they never noticed the behaviors of their little JW Gacy To Be? I am sure he offed a few critters before getting to this stage.

ARRGGHH! This makes me crazy!

If you want to have a child, make sure you also want to RAISE it*!!!

(*not just a battle cry but also potentially the theme/title of my book-to-be!

What do you think? Part funny, part guide...

you'd buy it, right?)

Boy, 7, Breaks Into Zoo, Kills Animals

SYDNEY, Australia (Oct. 3) - A 7-year-old boy broke into a popular Outback zoo, fed a string of animals to the resident crocodile and bashed several lizards to death with a rock, the zoo's director said Friday.
The 30-minute rampage, caught on the zoo's security camera, happened early Wednesday after the boy jumped a security fence at the Alice Springs Reptile Center in central Australia, said zoo director Rex Neindorf.
The child then went on a killing spree, bashing three lizards to death with a rock, including the zoo's beloved, 20-year-old goanna, which he then fed to "Terry," an 11-foot, 440-pound saltwater crocodile, said Neindorf.
The boy also fed several live animals to Terry by throwing them over the two fences surrounding the crocodile's enclosure, at one point climbing over the outer fence to get closer to the giant reptile.
In the footage, the boy's face remains largely blank, Neindorf said, adding: "It was like he was playing a game."
By the time he was done, 13 animals worth around $5,500 had been killed, including a turtle, bearded dragons and thorny devil lizards, Neindorf said. Although none were considered rare, some are difficult to replace, he said.
"We're horrified that anyone can do this and saddened by the age of the child," Neindorf said.
Alice Springs police said they are unable to press charges against the boy because of his age. Children under age 10 can't be charged with criminal offenses in the Northern Territory. His name was not released because of his age.
Neindorf said he plans to sue the boy's parents.
The boy's small size is probably the reason he didn't trip the zoo's security system, which relies on sensors to detect intruders, Neindorf said.
"I just want people to learn that they can't let their children go and run amok," Neindorf said. "If we can't put the blame onto the child, then someone has to accept the responsibility."

Color Me Paula Abdul!

So, last Sunday- I got a pedicure. It was a spa pedicure and my first in awhile! (I got a manicure, too but that is neither here nor there!) I was at my favorite place- Athena's Nails on 30th Ave here is Astoria. Though my toes looked good at the end of the day, during the pedicure- there was some, shall we say, over zealous razoring of my heels! It hurt whilst it was happening but not as much as the scrub did. YOWZA!

My heels hurt for the rest of the day. Left more than right but like any exposed razor wound might. By Tuesday, my left heel was throbbing. By Thursday, I could barely walk on it. And today- not only can't I walk on it but I dragged my own doctor hatin' ass to the dermatologist to check it out. The right heel? Heel-ing. (hee hee) The left heel? Not so much. Swollen. Painful. And though there is no chance of salmonella (I meant to say staph) infection... it is decidedly infected! And now I have antibiotics, a prescription lotion, and a pain in the well, foot!

The lesson? 1) Athena's is off the table. 2) Buy your own tools! Or wait til Christmas when you receive the tools I will be buying as stocking stuffers. 3) Make sure your salon du jour is "toe-ing" the line in terms of safety and hygiene!

I am "foot-ing" the bill for my lack of attention to detail! And that foot hurts!!!

Got Cable?

WATCH THIS! Creepy, sad, intriguing...

BBC America presents

My Fake Baby

(it was on last night at 9 but BBC always reruns stuff- especially about "REBORNS"!)

Seriously- WATCH IT!

There really are no words....

Can Anyone Else Say West Elm Ad?

Sure, He lost 550lbs...

But it was 550lbs from over 1200!! He can't walk, needs to be carted in a special Bed/Forklift Vehicle, has to be bathed daily by his... FIANCEE!!

That's right... none of those things is stopping this man from finding love and marriage.

And I say- good luck to him! Now, someone pass me the Grey Goose and the Ring Dings!

Surrounded!

I am surrounded by ridiculously cute kids!!