How Does MY Garden Grow?

Because I am in Nannyland so much in the summer, I feel like I am lacking in Patio Reports! That being said- I take pictures of every bit of growth as I am darn proud of my green thumb and so... Here is the Patio in fast forward! Speed Farming!

This is only the first of many tomatoes! It was delish!! Especially with the homegrown basil!

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A Poll.

Let's say...  you need to end your Mirage. You have hired a lawyer. You have paid a considerable amount of money to said lawyer to get the ball rolling. Said lawyer has sent a letter to to the man playing the role of Douche Bag in your Mirage and has received notice that he has moved. (Or perhaps, if we are lucky, has been involved in an exceedingly painful snafu that maybe involves the area where his balls are not).

Do you:

A) email him and ask for said current address

B) have said lawyer email/call him

C) ask the Man Witness at your Mirage for his current address AGAIN as asking him the first time evidently caused him some angst and you haven't heard from him since you asked (and that is unusual) 

D) have a Sweet Tea Vodka & lemonade for breakfast and go back to bed

E) let your blog readers decide!!

Talk amongst yourselves. Let me know ASAP! Please and thank you. In the meantime, I choose D!

Hamptons Pie is Bigger Than Other Pie (& more expensive!)

The real showdown was with me... at least for the deer!

Annalee doing an imitation of our favorite Hamptons cops!

My love affair with the hydrangea continues...

Sitting on the dock of the bay

Today...

...there was a showdown.
Umm, no one won.

Ummmm, huh.

I have a huge family. Italian on my Mother's side. Huge. A billion cousins. And one, who shall remain nameless, has taken to texting me when she is bored.

She is between the ages 8 and 12. She will remain nameless here.

Today, she texted me the following....

"If u had a life u would be married if u didn't have a life u would be living in trash and if your married u will have a life see how that works for me"

This was in response to my explaining that I couldn't text her back immediately as I had a life. I can't even imagine what bedtime stories are like in their house. They are all set in 1862.

Today.

I did 90 minutes of yoga and didn't lose my marbles. I also didn't "clear my mind" but that would take 90 minutes and a miracle!

Gurl... I Know How You Feels!

Streetside on 28th, Astoria

insert inappropriate wiener joke here

The local newspaper also said an 11-year-old neighbor thought the truck was selling hot dogs,

and ran over with cash.

(that's my kind of kid!)

So far, the homeowner has been denied insurance coverage for what the paper called "a wienermobile-inflicted claim."

My Beloved Eddie and The Tale of TechnoJOY

I Gots Me A New MacBook!!

I have named her Opal. She is very pretty. I imagine she works like a dream... Why the imagining? Why not reality? Well.... I CAN'T GET IT TO PICK UP AN FRIGGIN' INTERNET SIGNAL!!! I don't blame Opal. I blame the Apple AirPort Express that I bought. It sucks. Or maybe I suck. I don't know. I can't get it to work. It appears an email to Nannyland's Computer Guru will be in order!

I set up the wireless signal at my parent's house! I am capable. And yet I am still creating this post on my 8 year old Dell. (His name is Aragorn.) FRUSTRATING!! I simply do not have TechnoJOY (as my dear Eddie Izzard would say). I had to step away from the whole thing before poor Opal learned to fly. (And don't get me started on what I would like to do to the AirPort Express!)

AARRRGGHHHH!!!

Unfortunate Choices: The Prequel.

You may help me by never wearing those pants again.

(Yankees Game with Devonne, Anne & Tuna... and this lady.)

My Patio....

...is like a big Band-Aid sometimes. When you are feeling knee deep in life's lemons- come on over and plant something! Or weed! Or see the results of your labors and just breathe....

Welcome to The Pity Party!

I don't feel well today. I feel less. Goal-less. Drive-less. Faith-less. Spine-less. Not in the scaredy cat sense (though maybe a little) but in the drama class sense. My character is without an overall spine. Without a through line. What is the end goal? Is this the end goal? Less. I don't know how to fix this. I mean, there's booze, sure. And white chocolate coconut bars with dark chocolate drizzle. But the latter is not sitting well in my system as I am also will power-less. Which makes me feel diminished and bovine at the same time. I am disenchanted. Overwhelmingly disenchanted. And I can't even summon enough energy to dislike it. Maybe I need to take a walk. Maybe the moon is in the seventh house. Maybe a girl shouldn't eat that much coconut- no matter how tasty. Less. I feel very ME-less.

And if I am lacking me then well... then what?

Unfortunate Choices.

So. You are a judge at a horse show. You are a larger lady.

You will be sitting in a pick up truck all day.

Sure, you have an umbrella to keep you cool. Your sunglasses are on. Your hair- slicked back.

Thus, why the pants?

This was in my sight line ALL DAY.
Jealous?

A Third Slice? You Must Love My Hamptons Pie!

A Second Slice of Hamptons Life...

(Nannyland just installed an outdoor Speaker Disguised As Rocks system so we had ourselves a dance party!)

A Message From Doodle...

Hang In There.

Stuff From My Desk, Tres

While hunting for my Certificate of Mirage (which it may as well have been titled) to ship to England, I found this gem of a photo!

With my Grandparents, cousin Jad and a VERY smiley little bro!

Circa '79

Stuff From My Desk, Dos

And in our second bit from The Desk (also on a napkin) is this writing contest! I want to enter this, too! I can write an amazing bad sentence!!! Here is the low down...

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Most entries are submitted electronically through the Contest's Web site: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/.

Grand Prize Winner

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

David McKenzie Federal Way, WA

And though I like David's sentence a lot... It was Tony Alfieri's two prize winning sentences that made me laugh out loud!!

Runner-Up (Detective)

The dame sauntered silently into Rocco's office, but she didn't need to speak; the blood-soaked gown hugging her ample curves said it all: "I am a shipping heiress whose second husband was just murdered by Albanian assassins trying to blackmail me for my rare opal collection," or maybe, "Do you know a good dry cleaner?"
Tony Alfieri Los Angeles, CA

Runner-Up (Adventure)

In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's first and only hot air baboon ride.
Tony Alfieri Los Angeles, CA

Read all the selected sentences at http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2009.htm

Stuff From My Desk, Uno

In my back and forth life that is Nannyland in Summer- I find it hard to keep up with the blog. (And well, just about everything...) But in a new series called, Stuff From My Desk, I will visit the pile of things I duly note and intend to post! This way- I can share these bits and pieces with you all AND clear off my desk!

The first item comes straight from the napkin I wrote it on... The Gowanus Studio in Brooklyn hosts a Jell-O Mold Competition!! HELLOOO?! Who wants to kick some Jell-O ass with me next year?? There was a whole host of rules I didn't understand (about making molds and stuff... whatevs) but the two I got- It must be safe to eat and Jell-O must be the main component! Let's do this!!

Grand Prize Winner- "Jell-O Cocktail Trumpery" by Kandice Levero & Julia Greene

Runner Up for Aesthetics- "Jiggly-Wrap" by Hugh Hayden & Savinen Caracostea

Awwww, yeah!

A Slice of Hamptons Life...

Looky What My Camera Can Do!

So, I had to get a new camera- and me being me, I just bought the next Sony Cybershot up from what I already had! (I got it in ruby red!) This one has a few new in-camera editing options and as I don't know this technology called "photo shop"- I like to do what I can when I can!

And look what I just realized I can do! The feature is called Happy Faces and is described by the camera as "modify people's faces to appear smiling"...

See how much happier Jay and Lorna look in their 2nd pics! Ahhh, modern technology...

Because the 4th was just the beginning....

...I had a 5th of July BBQ! Because the fight had to keep on keepin' on! Because the Americans formerly known as British had no tea to start the day. And because sometimes you just wanna say, "Ok. I did it. It's done now, right?" and stay in bed for a week or 12 but you can't....

And so in honor of my BBQ, I made a Pavlova.

DELISH!!

I recommend everyone makes one right now!

Things I Learned Today (so far)

1) Quinoa is not easy to rinse without the proper accouterments.
2) Patience is rewarded if you are waiting for the liquor store to open at noon on a Sunday.
3) Said liquor store has sweet tea vodka!
4) Payless has cute shoes to purchase whilst you wait, patiently, for said witching hour.
5) I make a mean pavlova. (If my tiny tester pavlova is anything to go by)
6) Despite knowing they really could care less, I always feel it necessary to explain to my Starbucks Barista WHY I want my grande iced coffee in a venti cup. (I like a lotta milk, people!)

Happy Independence Day, America!

4th o' July Sparklers. Bridgehampton '09

In Honor O' TODAY! (ok, I swear I am done)

But how could I not put this up?? ADORBS! He's 2 and 1/2!

In Honor O' TODAY!

Happy 4th of July from me and Marvin Gaye!
(Caesars Palace, 1979)

Happy Bric-A-Brac Independence Day!

In my quest for Anthem fun, I found this gem!! It has a gnome as Mr. T and tea bags, too... Fantastic!

Reasons To Not Have A Snake #314

OXFORD, Fla. (July 1) – A pet Burmese python measuring more than 8 feet long broke out of a terrarium and strangled a 2-year-old girl in her bedroom Wednesday at a central Florida home, authorities said. Shaiunna Hare was already dead when paramedics arrived at about 10 a.m., Lt. Bobby Caruthers of the Sumter County Sheriff's Office said.
Charles Jason Darnell, the snake's owner and the boyfriend of Shaiunna's mother, discovered the snake missing from its terrarium and went to the girl's room, where he found it on the girl and bite marks on her head, Caruthers said. Darnell, 32, stabbed the snake until he was able to pry the child away.

"The baby's dead!" a sobbing caller from the house screamed to a 911 dispatcher in a recording. "Our stupid snake got out in the middle of the night and strangled the baby."

Darnell did not have a permit for the snake, which would be a second-degree misdemeanor, said Joy Hill, a spokeswoman with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. He has not been charged, but Caruthers said investigators were looking into whether there was child neglect or if any other laws were broken.

In Honor O' The 4th, III

Tool. (Watch the soldier over his soldier try and maintain face)

In Honor o' the 4th, II

STOP IT with this cuteness!! Stop IT! Praise Jesus and the Grace Baptist Church! Oh, and the lady who moves the mic in!

Holy Ben & Jerry's, Batman!

Yesterday, as I walked back from the bank, I noticed that the yoga studio I had previously seen a flyer for was open. As we all know, I don't do yoga. I do boxing. I do Cardioke. I do snacks. But then I saw the magic word... MASSAGE!! And suddenly it was clear what I should do with my day off! (Well, not off off but I don't start work until 9 tonight so...)

I called this morning, hoping against hope that they would have some time. And lo and behold, they did. Anthony had a 3 o'clock for me. Now, I have gotten a massage or 6 in my life... Ritz Carlton, Beaver Creek. The Flamingo Hotel, Las Vegas. Mt. Hood Massage Studio, Welchs (Oregon). That place I lovingly call the "Asian Rape Massage Place", Los Angeles (and that torture only cost me 20 beans!) Anthony could kick all their asses!!! He takes the cake!!! Sweet Mother of Hagen Daaz- he is the bees' knees!!

Anyone who knows me knows- I need a firm hand. But there is a fine line between firm and OUCH (bad ouch, not good ouch). And though there is always room for gentle, there is nothing worse than a wussy massage. UGH! Again- I could go on and on and on about the skill of Anthony! Love. Love. Love.

And just in case the amazing massage doesn't sell you- I chatted with Anthony's wife- yoga guru and all around fab-o babe, Ann-Margaret- for an hour!! AN HOUR! That's how cool she is!! I absolutely wanna produce a joint yoga/comedy night there! Ann-Margaret leads some yoga for 30 minutes to lighten your bodies and then we break out some wine and some laughs to lighten your soul! Who's in?!

Plus, the studio is gorgeous. The prices are insane-ly awesome. And the vibe is so awesome that I may actually take a yoga class!! No. Really. Can you tell that I am in love with the whole package, people?! I haven't fell this fast, this hard since... well, since Mr. Tim. I can't wait to go back. I may become a stalker. Like I might have to take up yoga so that I don't look like I am stalking Anthony!

The studio is immediately off the N/W train (though you wouldn't guess from inside as I heard not a whistle) so all you folks that stopped listening after Astoria should go back and read again!

Here's the website in case you need more convincing but seriously- I would not lead you astray! (at least not when it comes to massage!)

http://www.thegivingtreeyogastudio.com/

In Honor O' The 4th...

...I have decided to be a bit patriotic! So bring on The Star Spangled Banner in its many incantations! Kicking it off with a winner from Superbowl XXV (even though the Bills lost)! This one still gives me goosebumps! Oh, Whitney....

A Day With Aidan

In addition to being a spectacular kid (who can say both No Parking and Dinosaur), his laugh is RIDICULOUS!!! His Mama snapped this pic of him and I being big goofballs and he was almost delirious with giggles- which I wish we had recorded because I would have slapped that on my iPod for the many moments during my day that that sweetness could be played! And then he looked at the pictures and said... Jenn! Is there anything more adorable??

Oh, yeah there is... when asked if he wanted more blueberries (which he had been sharing with me), Aidan looked at me and said "more?" because we were eating them together!

STOP IT!!

But that's not all!!! Aidan is blessed to have two wonderful, talented, generous, delightful parents who love him and love me! Which means, in addition to being a spectacular kid, Aidan is a very lucky kid! And I... am one lucky friend!

Rated B for...

BUG PORN!

Clearly, this fellow blinked and shine'd in just the right way! I do hope my recently C&R friend finds a lady who doesn't sleep thru his light show! Good Luck, Buddy!

Catch And Release

In today's story of Catch And Release.... I woke up this morning to find a firefly chillin' comfortably on my side table. I guess that flashing light all night WASN'T a dream! He was subsequently caught and released. No fireflies were harmed in the telling of this tale.

BTW... fireflies light up to attract a mate. This guy clearly took a wrong turn!! Unless he likes his ladies on the larger size.... Awwww Yeah!

Oh, and by "this guy", I mean the one in my room. The one in this picture may be seconds away from gettin' lucky!

Happy Canada Day!

Some interesting facts to shout today in Canada's honor....

-Canada's animal is the beaver

-The baseball mitt (1883) and the zipper (1934) were invented in Canada

-Technically, their other national sport is lacrosse

-Canadians consume more mac & cheese than any other nation

-Winnie The Pooh was inspired by a Canadian bear named Winnie (who was donated to the London Zoo and then beloved by Christopher Robin Milne)

-My only viewing of The Phantom of The Opera was in Toronto

My Boyfriend = Heaven!

11 whole seconds of his angelic voice... it might be blurry but clearly, you can HEAR why I am in lurve!! :)

This is My New Boyfriend.

How cute a couple are we? His name is Mr. Tim. We both like karaoke and glitter. We both like cocktails and boys. He's simply dreamy... And when he sings? Heaven.

Don't be jealous. Someday, you will find your own Mr. Tim....

In The Shadow of a Flamingo...