Songs I Wish I Had Written, Part 1

My Mom sent me a version of this a couple o' days ago and I just listened to it! HI-larious!! It is also funny in any of the varying LIVE with audience reaction... (avails on the youtube) I fucking love it!

sometimes a day is almost too hard. you are assaulted with yesterday. faced with today. 

and just plain motionless about tomorrow. 

and yet you go forth. one step at a time. one foot in front of the other. you shop. you buy a new plant. you make the tough choices. you laugh. you cry. you long. you shut down. 

time makes some things easier. makes some things easier. time is against us as much as it is on our side. overwhelmed. underwhelmed. emptied out and full up. how? when? why? WHY? 

it's a clusterfuck. it's exhausting. its almost too much. almost. almost.

bring on the wonders. or just go away.

"if you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. in fact, your heart is made to break; it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever-more wonders." -andrew harvey

Dumb as a Box of Hammers.

Today, I was captivated by a field of sunflowers (pics to come). When they are all bloom (still to come) it is such a sight! And it was such a misty morning here in the Hamptons that I couldn't resist stopping after losing the kiddos to camp to snap some shots.

Of course, sunflowers go for like $45 a bundle here so these were fenced in. Electric fenced in. How do I know? Yep, you guessed it. I just wanted a close up!!!! 

You're Welcome.

Free small iced/hot mocha  at McDonald's today from 7-7. And also next Monday.

 'Course, I think their coffee is GROSS but if you don't... McCafe Away!

I Love a Gnome.

This is not a surprise to ANYONE who has any contact with me. My 3 year old nephew associates gnomes in stores as Things To Buy For Auntie Denn. For the record, I have a small issue with midgets. I know it's wrong. I know. Maybe if they had a pointy hat? Point is...

What was this Gnome Lover thinking?

Germany Allows Display of Nazi Gnome
German Officials will Take No Action Against German Artist Ottmar Hoerl

"The investigation in Nuremberg has determined that the gold-painted gnome is ridiculing the Nazis rather than glorifying Nazi ideology, and is meant to counter fascists' ideas and therefore not illegal."

How Does MY Grass Grow?

Yep... I planted grass. Just plain regular grass. And when you only have a little grass- you can mow it with scissors! Or just let it GROW!!!

How Else Does MY Garden Grow?

How Does MY Garden Grow?

Because I am in Nannyland so much in the summer, I feel like I am lacking in Patio Reports! That being said- I take pictures of every bit of growth as I am darn proud of my green thumb and so... Here is the Patio in fast forward! Speed Farming!

This is only the first of many tomatoes! It was delish!! Especially with the homegrown basil!

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A Poll.

Let's say...  you need to end your Mirage. You have hired a lawyer. You have paid a considerable amount of money to said lawyer to get the ball rolling. Said lawyer has sent a letter to to the man playing the role of Douche Bag in your Mirage and has received notice that he has moved. (Or perhaps, if we are lucky, has been involved in an exceedingly painful snafu that maybe involves the area where his balls are not).

Do you:

A) email him and ask for said current address

B) have said lawyer email/call him

C) ask the Man Witness at your Mirage for his current address AGAIN as asking him the first time evidently caused him some angst and you haven't heard from him since you asked (and that is unusual) 

D) have a Sweet Tea Vodka & lemonade for breakfast and go back to bed

E) let your blog readers decide!!

Talk amongst yourselves. Let me know ASAP! Please and thank you. In the meantime, I choose D!

Hamptons Pie is Bigger Than Other Pie (& more expensive!)

The real showdown was with me... at least for the deer!

Annalee doing an imitation of our favorite Hamptons cops!

My love affair with the hydrangea continues...

Sitting on the dock of the bay

Today...

...there was a showdown.
Umm, no one won.

Ummmm, huh.

I have a huge family. Italian on my Mother's side. Huge. A billion cousins. And one, who shall remain nameless, has taken to texting me when she is bored.

She is between the ages 8 and 12. She will remain nameless here.

Today, she texted me the following....

"If u had a life u would be married if u didn't have a life u would be living in trash and if your married u will have a life see how that works for me"

This was in response to my explaining that I couldn't text her back immediately as I had a life. I can't even imagine what bedtime stories are like in their house. They are all set in 1862.

Today.

I did 90 minutes of yoga and didn't lose my marbles. I also didn't "clear my mind" but that would take 90 minutes and a miracle!

Gurl... I Know How You Feels!

Streetside on 28th, Astoria

insert inappropriate wiener joke here

The local newspaper also said an 11-year-old neighbor thought the truck was selling hot dogs,

and ran over with cash.

(that's my kind of kid!)

So far, the homeowner has been denied insurance coverage for what the paper called "a wienermobile-inflicted claim."

My Beloved Eddie and The Tale of TechnoJOY

I Gots Me A New MacBook!!

I have named her Opal. She is very pretty. I imagine she works like a dream... Why the imagining? Why not reality? Well.... I CAN'T GET IT TO PICK UP AN FRIGGIN' INTERNET SIGNAL!!! I don't blame Opal. I blame the Apple AirPort Express that I bought. It sucks. Or maybe I suck. I don't know. I can't get it to work. It appears an email to Nannyland's Computer Guru will be in order!

I set up the wireless signal at my parent's house! I am capable. And yet I am still creating this post on my 8 year old Dell. (His name is Aragorn.) FRUSTRATING!! I simply do not have TechnoJOY (as my dear Eddie Izzard would say). I had to step away from the whole thing before poor Opal learned to fly. (And don't get me started on what I would like to do to the AirPort Express!)

AARRRGGHHHH!!!

Unfortunate Choices: The Prequel.

You may help me by never wearing those pants again.

(Yankees Game with Devonne, Anne & Tuna... and this lady.)

My Patio....

...is like a big Band-Aid sometimes. When you are feeling knee deep in life's lemons- come on over and plant something! Or weed! Or see the results of your labors and just breathe....

Welcome to The Pity Party!

I don't feel well today. I feel less. Goal-less. Drive-less. Faith-less. Spine-less. Not in the scaredy cat sense (though maybe a little) but in the drama class sense. My character is without an overall spine. Without a through line. What is the end goal? Is this the end goal? Less. I don't know how to fix this. I mean, there's booze, sure. And white chocolate coconut bars with dark chocolate drizzle. But the latter is not sitting well in my system as I am also will power-less. Which makes me feel diminished and bovine at the same time. I am disenchanted. Overwhelmingly disenchanted. And I can't even summon enough energy to dislike it. Maybe I need to take a walk. Maybe the moon is in the seventh house. Maybe a girl shouldn't eat that much coconut- no matter how tasty. Less. I feel very ME-less.

And if I am lacking me then well... then what?

Unfortunate Choices.

So. You are a judge at a horse show. You are a larger lady.

You will be sitting in a pick up truck all day.

Sure, you have an umbrella to keep you cool. Your sunglasses are on. Your hair- slicked back.

Thus, why the pants?

This was in my sight line ALL DAY.
Jealous?

A Third Slice? You Must Love My Hamptons Pie!

A Second Slice of Hamptons Life...

(Nannyland just installed an outdoor Speaker Disguised As Rocks system so we had ourselves a dance party!)

A Message From Doodle...

Hang In There.

Stuff From My Desk, Tres

While hunting for my Certificate of Mirage (which it may as well have been titled) to ship to England, I found this gem of a photo!

With my Grandparents, cousin Jad and a VERY smiley little bro!

Circa '79

Stuff From My Desk, Dos

And in our second bit from The Desk (also on a napkin) is this writing contest! I want to enter this, too! I can write an amazing bad sentence!!! Here is the low down...

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Most entries are submitted electronically through the Contest's Web site: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/.

Grand Prize Winner

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

David McKenzie Federal Way, WA

And though I like David's sentence a lot... It was Tony Alfieri's two prize winning sentences that made me laugh out loud!!

Runner-Up (Detective)

The dame sauntered silently into Rocco's office, but she didn't need to speak; the blood-soaked gown hugging her ample curves said it all: "I am a shipping heiress whose second husband was just murdered by Albanian assassins trying to blackmail me for my rare opal collection," or maybe, "Do you know a good dry cleaner?"
Tony Alfieri Los Angeles, CA

Runner-Up (Adventure)

In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's first and only hot air baboon ride.
Tony Alfieri Los Angeles, CA

Read all the selected sentences at http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2009.htm

Stuff From My Desk, Uno

In my back and forth life that is Nannyland in Summer- I find it hard to keep up with the blog. (And well, just about everything...) But in a new series called, Stuff From My Desk, I will visit the pile of things I duly note and intend to post! This way- I can share these bits and pieces with you all AND clear off my desk!

The first item comes straight from the napkin I wrote it on... The Gowanus Studio in Brooklyn hosts a Jell-O Mold Competition!! HELLOOO?! Who wants to kick some Jell-O ass with me next year?? There was a whole host of rules I didn't understand (about making molds and stuff... whatevs) but the two I got- It must be safe to eat and Jell-O must be the main component! Let's do this!!

Grand Prize Winner- "Jell-O Cocktail Trumpery" by Kandice Levero & Julia Greene

Runner Up for Aesthetics- "Jiggly-Wrap" by Hugh Hayden & Savinen Caracostea

Awwww, yeah!

A Slice of Hamptons Life...

Looky What My Camera Can Do!

So, I had to get a new camera- and me being me, I just bought the next Sony Cybershot up from what I already had! (I got it in ruby red!) This one has a few new in-camera editing options and as I don't know this technology called "photo shop"- I like to do what I can when I can!

And look what I just realized I can do! The feature is called Happy Faces and is described by the camera as "modify people's faces to appear smiling"...

See how much happier Jay and Lorna look in their 2nd pics! Ahhh, modern technology...

Because the 4th was just the beginning....

...I had a 5th of July BBQ! Because the fight had to keep on keepin' on! Because the Americans formerly known as British had no tea to start the day. And because sometimes you just wanna say, "Ok. I did it. It's done now, right?" and stay in bed for a week or 12 but you can't....

And so in honor of my BBQ, I made a Pavlova.

DELISH!!

I recommend everyone makes one right now!

Things I Learned Today (so far)

1) Quinoa is not easy to rinse without the proper accouterments.
2) Patience is rewarded if you are waiting for the liquor store to open at noon on a Sunday.
3) Said liquor store has sweet tea vodka!
4) Payless has cute shoes to purchase whilst you wait, patiently, for said witching hour.
5) I make a mean pavlova. (If my tiny tester pavlova is anything to go by)
6) Despite knowing they really could care less, I always feel it necessary to explain to my Starbucks Barista WHY I want my grande iced coffee in a venti cup. (I like a lotta milk, people!)

Happy Independence Day, America!

4th o' July Sparklers. Bridgehampton '09