Oh, the week that was!

First- with so much going on, we had to get Nona on a train to take care of her GrandDog!

Then, I had to get the plastic babies in cupcakes for...

Anne's SHOWer! Here's a shot of the crowd lovin' every minute with Jon Friedman!

He had some HI-larious "Yo Mama" jokes for our Mama-To-Be!

THEN- we woke up to a dusting of snow! Ripley had no clue what to make of THIS!

And even after the snow melted, it was still so cold that I was forced to send her outside in her Snuggie For Dogs as an extra layer! Thankfully, because it has sleeves, she was able to take a dump without all the normal annoying blanket issues one might have!

Then there was a Western Themed Poker Party in Nannyland... this cactus was my favorite part! And my peeps, happily being pimped out in service to the wealthy,

being there to make it all easier!

And what Western theme party would be complete without hats, bandannas and mustachios?

On Saturday, we got a package from my bro & sis-in-law filled with Christmas delights for me and Ripley, including this duck. It makes a "real" duck noise which freaks Rip the hell out!

HI-larious! She is fascinated...

She was also TIIIIRED! And fell fast asleep on Saturday all snuggled up with her Pet Smart Warming Blanket thingy- you microwave it and it is warm and toasty!

And even though it is now Sunday, my I Don't Have Run Day, we are both ready for a nap!

How's Ripley? Still Adorbs!

January 25th....

...which is today, is considered the most depressing day of the year. Traditionally (though I am not sure I like thinking of this as a "tradition"), this day is the first Monday of the third full week of January and is calculated by very important people based on debt and time since the holidays and the weather and maybe something math-ish.

Today lived up to the title. The weather is gross (Ripley was uber-confused by the umbrella). Rain. Rain. Rain. And wind and gray and ugh. So that doesn't help. I am overwhelmed by all that I have to do this week and by my puppy- who is having some serious separation anxiety, It is the one week of the last several months that I really need to have it together and I simply don't. If you haven't figured it out or don't know me at all- if I do something I want it perfect and my definition of perfect is probably stricter than most folks. I hate feeling like I am letting people down and I hate feeling out of control. Today is bringing on both.

And I am living in the past today. On the Dog Whisperer, Cesar says you can't live in past behavior or you fuck up your dog (I am paraphrasing a bit here) but it made sense. If you approach your dog, who is sensing your approach before all else, worried or harried or frustrated or predicting- they will feel it and they will live it. I am approaching my today with all those things. All the ways I screwed up and I blew it and I didn't live up to my standards and people got hurt or I got hurt. UGH! Fucking Blue Monday.

The upside of all this was today's Oprah. Rosie O'Donnell was on Oprah today. I have always been inspired by Rosie. Inspired and horrified and envious of and impressed by and amused by... Her humor, her heart, her crafting, her weight, her control issues. Anyway, she and Oprah spoke of how she is handling growing out of and into her relationship with her ex-wife. They spoke of how she learns from and loves her children. They spoke of her career mis-handles and how she will define her "second chapter" and her willingness to step out of her history.

And at one point Rosie said this.... "If I had been braver, I would have just cried." And I promptly burst into tears. I have been braver than I am today. The last year, almost two, has taught me how to feel braver BY crying, by staying in the weakness and the breaking open instead of breaking down. I think Ripley is reminding me of how it feels to be not the least bit in control. (she knows it, btw) And in the face of all the chaos of being a producer, a performer, a majordomo, a personality, a dancer/rapper (yeah, that's right- I said dancer/rapper- for Monday's show!), a friend, a dog owner, a QVC Product Expert... I am toughening up and getting ready to rage (and rage a little) and I have forgotten the braveness that staying still and breaking open requires and rewards. And now I am also grateful for Rosie, too.

And so, with Ripley staring at me and resting on my heart- I cried a little. For what has gone wrong and what will inevitably will go wrong- this week and beyond and for Blue Monday existing. And I feel braver already. Brave enough to make a To Do list and start checking that shit off! First on the list? A cupcake and a cocktail in honor of the Most Depressing Day of the year NOT kicking my ass as it threatened! And then I am going to play with my dog. Everything else can wait...

You say Dynamic Inertia...

...I say DIRTY!

A MOO-icide?*

New York Dairy Farmer Kills 51 Cows, Commits Suicide

COPAKE, N.Y. (Jan. 22) -- State police in New York say an upstate dairy farmer shot and killed 51 of his milk cows in his barn before turning the rifle on himself.

State police found the body of 59-year-old Dean Pierson in his Copake barn on Thursday. A visitor found a note Pierson had left on the barn door that said not to come in and to call police.

State police would only say that Pierson was having personal issues.

The Columbia County hamlet of Copake is about 115 miles north of New York City.

Local farmers buried the cows outside the barn Friday. They would not discuss Pierson or what had happened, but one of the men said these are hard times to be a farmer.

*though I couldn't resist the joke... I find this incredibly sad.

Udder-ly horrible.**

**I did it again. I am so sorry.

As I sit watching the Hope For Haiti Now Fundraiser...

...I think about how blessed I am to be worried about my dog and how late she will let me sleep tomorrow while there are millions of people going on day 5 too many without water, without knowing whether families are alive or dead, without anywhere to sleep let alone worry about what time they will be woken... These people are being pulled out from under buildings singing. SINGING. Singing and fearless and thankful. What a lesson...

Give if you can. To Haiti or whoever needs help. Because we all do.

Just some much, much more than others right now.

Give it with fearlessness, with thanks and with song.

www.hopeforhaitinow.org

Ripley Withdrawl?? We can help!!

Oh, and Bella...

Bella is just plain PISSED! Her favorite notions shop closed! Everyone one of her costumes is adorned with some sort of fringe or sequin or fabric from said store and no more... I loved that store, too. To be fair, I am not shocked. I think I was the only one who shopped there (as I never saw anyone else in there) and the prices were really low... not the best combo to sustain a business these days! In the end, it is the pasties that suffer the most...

Monday....

I am a cranky britches today. So is Ripley. First, in addition to the UTI, Rip has some parasites in her poo. Apparently, all relatively normal for puppies but not for New Puppy Mommies!! Poor little thing is more medicated than I am... which is probably NOT a good thing. I am having cranberry juice (with vodka) for both of us.

But in addition... just some stupid shit going down and the lack of sleep sure ain't helping my attitude! What shit, you ask?? Well, let me break it down for ya!

1) I ran out of paper towels and sweatpants. Paper towels for all the obvious reasons and sweats? Well, the UTI makes Rip a bit, um, leaky. And now that the antibiotics have started to kick in, peeing is easier. Thus accidents are more plentiful. Man....

2) Due to #1, I was forced to leave the house today in leggings. Stretch pants. Unflattering leg wear. It isn't pretty, people. Like my self esteem isn't already suffering whilst carrying a super cute dog. Wonder if the City Vet can up my med intake, too??

3) With the exception of the hot guy and his cute beagle, everyone at the pet store was an asshole. Especially the manager who looked at Ripley and scornfully asked- "What is that thing? One of those poo dogs?" I replied- "um, I think you're a poo!" (leggings bring my maturity level back to '89 when they were in)...

4) After telling a line cutter "it's ok", this bitch at the drug store (where I was buying paper towels) took one look at Ripley and asked, "how much this dog?". I replied, "too fucking much for you, Rudy!" (Cause when you are rude, I call you you Rudy!) Then the line cutter tried to pet Ripley whilst asking how old she was. I whisked Ripley from her dirty reach and said, "old enough to politely wait in line"....

5) There is no chocolate in the house.

6) I am overly anxious about leaving Ripley all day on Thursday while I head to Philly to do my on-air guest training bull shit at QVC. I just overnighted us a doggy playpen and more toys. She doesn't like when I leave to take a shower.... Getting to watch my fat ass on practice TV segments before going national should help! NOT!!

7) Ripley just dumped her water bowl... I guess it's a good thing I got the paper towels... Look at me! Making lemonade! Pass the vodka!

In a Time Before Ripley...

I joined Abby & William on a trip to the New York Botanical Gardens. How much was growing there in January, you ask?? Well- we didn't go for the Arboretum, people! We went for the Holiday Train Show! I had never been to the NYBG for the train show or otherwise and I was just blown away! Sure, Abby & William liked the trains but the grown ups were astounded by the NY landmarks made entirely from natural materials!

That's a pomegranate torch Lady Liberty is holding!

It was truly awesome and an incredibly cool place to boot! If you are ever in NYC from late November to early January- you should go! I'll go with you! They add a new building every year!

In the meantime- here is my view of the awesomeness!

It took 'em 12 years to build this amazing mansion (in real life) and then...

they knocked it down 15 years later! Who made that call??

This Post has been Brought To You By...

Nature's Miracle.

It must be made of unicorn tears because this shit RULES!

R.U.L.E.S.

I have known this for some time but maybe you have not!

You don't need a puppy to own it... It works on everything! Any stain. Any fabric. Love IT!

It's A Dog's Life!

Today was a tough day in the life of Ripley! She slept great- next to me in her bed! And she did all her business outside upon waking at 6ish... After that, though??

There was some crazy poo-ing on my cream colored rug. I know, I know- who lets a puppy on a cream colored rug? A girl who didn't pick the rug and would happily replace it, that's who! And the piddling was a bit out of hand this AM, too! Then there was the vet! She behaved like a super star! But has a urinary tract infection! Apparently her vulva is raw! OOOHHH, my poor pups! She is on antibiotics now and I think the whole thing has plum tuckered her out!

(on our way home from the vet...)

And since today has already been crazy, she is sleeping in her crate tonight for the first time. Wish us luck!!

Thanks, Nona!

Oh My, Sweetness....

I am unfamiliar with the crate training. There. I said it. This is what I know for sure:

*crates are good*

*puppies are good*

*puppies like crates because they are like dens or hangouts or

whatever the kids are calling them these days*

*you shouldn't force a puppy in a crate (no matter how good they both are)

or they will always hate it*

Given all I know for sure... Ripley is not sleeping in her crate yet. She goes in it. She eats in it. She plays in it. I have shut the door for several minutes at a time. But sleeping? Nope. Why would she sleep alone when the couch and I are so comf?

That being said- last night, she fell asleep in her doggy bed, right next to me on the couch. So I left her in it thinking it was a good first step. And around 3AM, I got a face full of furry puppy breath from a pup who was so pleased that she travelled the six inches to find me that she would have climbed in my face if I had let her. What a delightful feeling!! Seriously, what a plate of unabashed love I was served. Just Delicious!

Here she is as I type... asleep in her bed! Too cute...

Now... tell me a tale about crates!

The Cavalcade Continues...

There has been a lot of sleeping on our first full day together- for both of us, actually! There has also been more going outside than in (for just one of us)! And even a more normal meal eaten by dinner time! YAHOOO, Ripley! Oh, and a lot of clumsy bouncing and running and tugging and chewing and checking out of the crate! Maybe tonight she will sleep in it...

Though I ain't holding my breath!

She may win Night #2 and we'll both be on the couch but she ain't takin' the bed yet!!

Let The Cavalcade of Cuteness Begin!

At last....

So- double click on the collage to see some sights I saw as I headed down to VA.... That "married people are better than you" billboard was everywhere and can suck it!

PS... Did someone try to Push Truck?

And how I resisted stopping in for a turkey leg and a joust is beyond me!

But will you looky lou what I have got?

O.M.G!!!

Reporting LIVE from Virginia!

So, after a fine and event-less drive south yesterday, I spent a delightful day/eve with my pal, Anne and her husband, Clinton! A LOT of laughs which were sorely needed after the Horse Shit of the Morning yesterday. That being said- Berryville, which is where Ripley is coming from, is not in fact 30 minutes away but closer to an hour AND 30 minutes! Ooops... Our road trip today just got several times as long.

I am not going to lie- I appreciate that God thinks of me as his own personal sitcom. But ENOUGH! Yeha, the $115 ticket on Saturday I got whilst trying to help a peep was funny. Good timing on that one, Big Guy. And the typo that is delaying me and costing me money is indeed funnier than say, a flood in the Solicitor's office. And the fact that I am dragging my pal, Anne on a 3 hour road trip to meet my dog today is more amusing to me than her! Though the fact that I have spent the last 16 hours trying to recall my checking account number since I forgot my check book and only have enough money to get bring home Ripley's back left paw is probably going to be a hoot at the bank today!

I just think- I would like to go into syndication now. Repeats only of The Jenn Show for the grown up Baby Jesus. Isn't it way past time that I get a new show? (Not The Joey Show, btw, more like Frasier, please!)

OK- we are off!

Did I mention I forgot my brush and makeup? Poor, poor people of Berryville. Anne doesn't care. We once had to sleep in a train station in Rome. She has seen me looking worse...

REALLY?!?!?

So, today I begin the journey to go get Ripley! Yesterday, I spent the day sorrounded by the awesomeness that is the Train Show at The New York Botanical Garden (pics to follow! It was sooo cool!) with a side order of cuteness provided by William and Abby (pics of them to follow, too! Soooo Cute!) and this morning I got up, ready to roll to Virginia and get my girl but I have been delayed... Car trouble? Nope. Lack of Snacks? C'mon!

Unexpected Mother Cluckin' Issue with the End of My Mirage???? Of COURSE!! What the Cluck! What is the issue, you may inquire?? A CLUCKIN' TYPO!!! By my own solicitors retarded secretary (this is NOT our first typo dance)!!! Now, I have to resign, re-notarize and re-SHIP (remember how excited I was to spend that $27.95 before?) the AFFIDAVIT in which the typo exists!!! What a cluster cluck! NOT HAPPY about this! (Could you tell?)

OK... gonna get 'ir done and go get my girl!!

PS- there were foxes in my dream, so this pic is perfect!! Almost ominously so...

Patience is NOT my middle name!

I wanted to wait until she was here. I thought, why announce an arrival before it happens? I haven't met her yet so what if she doesn't like me? BUT I am so excited (and I just can't hide it!) (No, really. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!!)

Cause I got this...

and then I added all this...

and then others got her all this...

and next Wednesday, I get to pick up THIS!!!!

I can NOT wait to add this (currently) 6lb chewing love bucket to my home.

Well, to OUR home!

And then soon after- maybe you all can come over and we will have a Puppy Party!!

Counting the days....

I TOTALLY forgot how funny I thought this was...

Runners + Banana Peels = A Lotta Laughs!

It Still Needs Work But I Present...

Resume Away!

ugh.

I don't know about you all... But I feel gross. Is it because it is so friggin' cold AGAIN? Or because I gots the sniffles/sore throat back? Or because I have been treating my body like a landfill for the last forever- putting everything in it but cans and plastic! (What? That shit goes in landfills, too? Oh- well, pass the recyclables and the Trader Joe's Goddess dressing then!) Or because... well, a million becauses, really. I just feel gross. And I have to go to work now because my boss needs a ride to the grocery store (3 blocks away) and with Driver away and Housekeeper home sick- she needs me to help with groceries. Not to bring them home- the store delivers- just to get her there. Yeah, it's cold but.... Really?

And so- IT'S GROSS DAY PICTURE TIME!! Because maybe you feel gross, too

and thus need these, too.

Well, slap my unicorn and vomit me a rainbow! That overload of cuteness on a cloud made me

12 to 20% feel better!