MY POOR PUP!!

Here at the BFG Apartment, we can't seem to catch a break. We came awfully close this time- though not in a good way at all! Friday, on our pre-lunch walk, I noticed Ripley was favoring her left front leg. By afternoon, she was putting no weight on it. By evening, she was crying when she moved. I never saw her do anything specific- she didn't fall. She did however, bound in the snow with an abandon generally saved for penguins and polar bears and turns out- she severely sprained her little leg. The vet took x-rays (and is just keeping my credit card, at this point) and there is no obvious fracture but it is really swollen and obviously, painful.

She is also lethargic, seemingly sad, and clearly, not herself. The "cast" has to stay on for a week, pain meds for several days and of course, the continued use of antibiotics. She should be all better in time for surgery. My poor heart can't take much more...

and I am pretty sure Ripley can't either.

She was back to her fighting self for a little bit yesterday during a walk- hobbling down the block, trying to jump in the snow still.... It was a nice few minutes!

Intentionally NOT Going To My Ass?

Intentional Chocolate is a new line of chocolates "embedded with focused good intention" by meditators to improve stuff. What?? I just meditated with a Dove Bar.

Oh, yeah, that's better.

Pure Hawaiian chocolate infused with the spiritual energy of experienced meditators personally trained with the Dalai Lama. Call it a thought, a prayer, or a blessing, intention is the expression of purpose and the direction of source energy within all of us. Scientific testing has demonstrated that consumption of Intentional Chocolate has a positive effect on mood, energy, and overall sense of well-being.

Pure chocolate love makes a meaningful -- and much appreciated -- gift.

-100% pure Hawaiian Vintage chocolate.

-Infused with the spiritual energy of experienced meditators personally trained with

the Dalai Lama.

-Academic study found Intentional Chocolate increased vigor, energy by 67%.

I would order some, in the name of science (of course) but that shit is expensive!

I hope the Dalai Lama is getting a cut of this!

Bring it, Lent!

You Want Me To What, Auntie Jenn?

He might be a little reserved, but with some encouragement from his nutty Auntie Jenn....

William is just a silly as his sister!!

(Who is very used to nutty Auntie Jenn's shenanigans!)

This Just In!*

*just seeing if youtube wants to play.... plus, who can't use more Ripley?

What an Odd Way To Display...

...or a super tricky Chopped round!

("Brussels sprouts, grapefruit, cod and a show- 20 minutes, dessert, GO!")

Did I Mention That...

Ripley met Gizmo. This is as good as it got. When it was bad, it was very bad. It was a very stressful day. They may never be friends. But they didn't kill each other. So, that's good.

As good as it may get, really.

Call Me!

I sent Athea this phone for Christmas... Got it in Target's VINTAGE section. Which apparently makes me VINTAGE as that is me playing with the original!

PS... it looks like I am eating a beef jerky?!? How very Wendy Williams of me!

PPSS... Target also sells the clock behind my head in their VINTAGE section!

what am I - 107?

Got 5 bucks??

Get Daffodils! Endlessly Happy!

I got mine from a deli on 88th and Lex... go there!

This Just In!!

(youtube is being a bitch so just click on the play icon!)

2 Cute 4 U!

(...a foolish person walked by without pausing to bow at Ripley's paws here! look at her face! she is simply astounded...)

ps... how cute is this new jacket? it comes in a packet from Old Navy for dogs!

www.oldnavy.com

Making A Difference... Cesar Style!

So, I have been home with Ripley A LOT. And with all things turning up shitty- I feel like I am doing neither of us justice. I could go out and play but if it is for more than a couple of hours, I need to bring her and my recent experience with that just shows that it just doesn't work. And maybe because of her troubles, I worry when she is home alone too long and when I am home with her for too long. She gets upset when I go on the other side of the gate without her. Crying, shrieking, barking as if I just stabbed her in the eye. I have a really hard time with it.

I am really good at ignoring crying babies. I am not good at ignoring crying dogs.

And then I found this article by Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan. I generally agree with Cesar- he believes a dog deserves to be a dog, he believes the blame is never on the dog, and he has this order in which to love your dog (body/exercise, mind/training and then, affection) and I think he is on to something there! Of course, he IS also the Dog Whisperer, so there's that.

Anyway- the article talks about Cesar's best method for making a difference in dog/human relationships... And I know that Ripley and I have only been together for 5 weeks, it is never too early to work on our relationship! This is what Cesar says to do:

1) Make a list about things you do not like about yourself- and be really honest about it.

2) Make a list of things you love about yourself.

3) When you're done with both lists, see which list is longer. "It's your job to balance it out until you see the list filled with things you don't like about yourself disappear. That's where the transformation exists. And your dog is ready to help you. Because if you HAVE ISSUES IN OTHER AREAS OF YOUR LIFE, YOU WILL HAVE THEM IN THE DOG AREA."

Considering that list A is 76 times the length of list B- Ripley and I are seemingly both fucked. And that makes me feel worse. Thanks for that, Milan. Clearly, you are no People Whisperer.

Poor Ripley, I have enough issues to choke a horse and my poor pup is going to drown in them.

I need a nap. Ripley, recognizing that a nap is needed, is taking one. Maybe I should start peeing on the paper and let her deal with everything else....

Didn't She "See" It Coming?

A California Superior Court jury has found a North Carolina woman guilty in the bizarre murder of an Orange County fortune teller and her daughter because of a failed love spell.

The case involves "greed, lust, obsession, revenge ... straight sex, gay sex, the occult, threats, stealing things and stealing lives," Balleste said.

I Missed This During The Superbowl...

HILARIOUS!

A Trio of WTFs

-Kevin Smith (director,actor, writer) gets kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for being too fat and offered a $100 voucher and a different flight time (on a plane with TWO seats avails for his fat ass)

Here's the link to his side of the tale according to MTV www.mtv.com I chose this article because I like when he says he is "no John Candy yet"

-What is up with this single mother telling me to settle? In her new book, Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough, Lori Gottleib says to scale back your expectations, ladies... "they pass up the '8' in order to hold out for the '10'- and then suddenly they're 38 or 40 and now they can only et a '5'". Ummm, suck it. I completely understand the notion that sometimes our "wish list" gets the better of us (personally, I blame Lloyd Dobbler) but there's no proof in her pudding (where is your happily ever after with an 8, Gottleib?) AND I resent the notion that just being 38 renders you incapable to get even half of what you desire in a mate.

-Dr. Oz found 100 people who EACH lost over 100lbs for his 100th show and the whole thing made me want to eat a package of Ring Dings.

There's SNOW Place...

...like SNOW business!

I will now take questions from the floor....

"Who's a stupid cute puppy gotta sleep with to get some lunch up in this bitch?"

Mortified!

A fine pic- snapped by Maya at 92YTribeca-

of me reading from my 6th grade

autobiog

with

6th grade Me

looking on!

(We had to write a chapter about our future as we saw it unfolding... I got an A. I also predicted I would have 4 kids by now. Writing Skills? Awesome.

Psychic Ability? Not so much.)

And then I used my favorite

Photoshop for Ding Dongs site

www.picnik.com

to make it look even funner!

Now, if only I still had that stripe-y sweater!

Cakewrecks

On any given day, I adore CakeWrecks! (see link to the right somewhere) as who doesn't enjoy an error in spelling or judgement made with frosting?! But this one made me howl! And then cough up a lung as I am sure Ashley does daily what with her known enough habit

that they made her this cake!

Happy Valentine's Day, Love Birds!

Florist Tip: Ask them to leave out the filler and baby's breath.

-Martha Stewart for Dove Chocolates

Amen.

I got these last night and just laughed and laughed... Enjoy!

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church

ladies with typewriters... These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS)

actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced

in church services:

-------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the

help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'

Come early and listen to our choir practice

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of

several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and

gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may

be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across

from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies

are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church

basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this

tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

...and my personal fave...

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the back door.

thanks for sharing, Roo!

I have always known the Big Guy has a sense of humor- I oft feel like his favorite sitcom, so I think there were some giggles Upstairs on these Sundays!

Dove + Martha

= some serious horse poo poo!

Like I need to feel worse about eating a couple (handfuls) of Dove Milk Chocolate hearts by myself on the day before Valentine's Day. I like chocolate and it is just fine to eat some for breakfast! Just FINE! Not fine? The ridiculous, romantic, retarded (yeah, I said it)

suggestions on the wrappers from Martha Stewart.

"Rewrap a store bought chocolate bar in a love note."

"For a quick whipped cream topping, use a chilled bowl and whisk."

and my personal favorite so far (I have gotten it more than once)

"To start a romantic fire, crisscross kindling on top of newspaper."

Pup In A Box

Ripley got up this morning and decided she needed to remove enough toys out of her "toy box" so that SHE could get in said toy box. There were no toys at the ER.

Withdrawl does funny things.

With super cute results!!

(in this last one, you can see where they had to shave her leg to put in the IV... poor sweet pea)

My Girl...

...so, I thought I would share what's been going on in my house with my girl. Ripley has been pretty ill. She is fighting another UTI along with a GI infection that had me shattered with fear earlier in the week. She spent a night at an emergency Veterinarian Hospital that ran all sorts of tests on her and gave her all sorts of antibiotics and a diagnosis (as suspected thanks to my new career as Armchair Vet) of an ectopic ureter. Don't know what that is? Well, it's when one of the little tiny tubes that goes from the kidneys to the bladder on its way out does not actually go to the bladder. It explains why she has been "leaky" since I got her and why she will continue to fight UTIs and other infections until she has it surgically repaired. She has to have one more scan to confirm just where they have to go in and then surgery... For now- her temp is down, she has come home, she HATES her antibiotics, she is almost her crazypants self.

I could use some sleep, myself without the worry of puppy vomit or temperature spikes or any of the other shit storms that have touched down in my world. Seriously, when God closes a door, He slams that open window right down on my clucking fingers. Not to mention that I won't be eating anytime soon what with the price of emergency dog care these days...

But as I type- the world still turns, the shit storm blows past and Ripley is snoozing at my feet in her new bed which is on her new blanket next to her new flamingo toy! And in the morning, we will take a walk on her new polka dot leash... When she gets home from surgery, clearly guilt will have me getting her a car.

For EZ Clean Up!

Looky Lou Who Turned 1!!

(and this one year old sure is in love with her awesome brother! I know the feeling....)

I just read the following...

"Gail has been without heat and running water for almost two years and her goats have chewed through the walls in her back room."

-Hoarders on A&E

The Ripley Bowl I

Inspired by Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl VI and the Super Bowl , of course... Ripley and I had our OWN bowl- The Ripley Bowl (I)...

And after she littered the field with her opponents (the shark & the Koosa),

it was sooo nap time!

I Gots Your Best Superbowl Commercial Right Here!!

and you don't even have to give me the 30 million bucks or whatever it costs! :)

For Pete's Sake!

My dear Annie is from a town in Vermont called Irasburg. I have been to Irasburg- got lost coming back from Canada once with Jason and Ted and decided Annie's Ma & Pa should feed us pancakes which they, quite deliciously did! AND it gained fame* in college by being featured in our remake of Do Re Me.

This video is about Pete, who lives in Irasburg and just wants to be a moose.

Is that too much to ask?

Wanna know more about Pete? Go to...

www.savepetethemoose.org

Now, my Dad (and Annie's Dad, probably) would remind us all that a moose is a wild animal and not a pet but he isn't being treated as such! He lives in an 600 acre enclosed game area

so he is a free range moose and he has deer friends and people friends.

As usual- the government gets involved and it all goes tits up!

And even avid hunters like my Pops and Papa Mosher would say hunting an animal raised by and thus not afraid of humans is like hunting chicken breast! In Ray's Market. Lame.

*fame is a fickle bitch. and in this case it only exists in our heads. but we liked our song and Irasburg is cooler for it!

Things I Meant To Post but Didn't: Part 7

As a nanny of tweens, I am forced to listen to some crappy stuff. Granted, I have had a lot of musical influence over these children and so I have to listen to a lot LESS crappy stuff then some. And sometimes, I actually enjoy a Miley or a Brothers Jonas or a (insert tween star name here) tune. Sometimes.

The newest tween sensation... for those of you who don't know is called Justin Bieber. The first time I heard this youngster, I thought it was a girl- thus, when one of his songs come on- A says, "it's your girlfriend" and I say "your boyfriend is on" and OH, how we laugh. (and then my ears start to bleed) Brief backstory- he is 15, was discovered on youtube, and is Usher's protege. He looks like this...

Doesn't he just scream Tween Douche?

His newest song, which was played for me recently on the way to school features a rap solo by...

...wait for it...

...

LUDACRIS!

What in the name of all that's holy was Ludacris thinking? Sure it opens his fan base a bit but I would think it alienates the rest of it! For the record, Luda is the ass kicker of one of my Top 5 favorite rap songs. A fine song entitled, Get Back. (I prefer the version with Sum 41)

Get Back is a sad song, really. A song about a fella, out for a lovely eve, who is continually bothered by others who just don't know him like that. He is out and would just like to have a frosty beverage and eye the womenfolk. And when you are at the gym or you are driving away from a heart wrenching confrontation with an ex or you just hate everyone- there is no finer song.

I know it's been a little while since I've been out the house,

but now I'm here.. you wanna stand around runnin' yo' mouth?

I can't hear nothing you sayin' or spittin', so what's up?

Don't you see we in the club?, man shut the fuck up!

Baby is a song about love and lust and "frustration" at 15.

For you, I would have done whatever

And ya stick it with me when we're together

And I'm gonn' play it cool

While I'm losin you

I'll buy you anything

I'll buy you any ring

Cause I'm in pieces

Baby fix me

Come see if you wake me from this bad dream

I'm goin down, down, down

Yeah. Can't do it. Can't sign on.

Bieber is a tool. NKOTB never guested with Grandmaster Flash.

Get back mothafucka, you don't know me like that.

Things I Meant To Post But DIdn't: Part 6

I like this commercial. Annoying? Sure. But it makes me think of Peanut Butter Jelly Time which makes me think of Eli and I like Eli THUS I like this commercial.
(also, I like ice cream and cake)

Things I Meant To Post but Didn't: Part 5

Like all things in the BFG Apartment, the patio fences are a little bit off. And there is just enough room under this one for a crafty dog to get under.

Thus, I present to you-

The Great Wall of Gnome!

(that's Turbo and Ozone chillin' and blockin' with their pot... just like in ELectric Boogaloo!)

Things I Meant To Post but Didn't: Part 4

I was shopping for baby goods today. I did not get this.

Too much. Could have been WAY too much but I also did not design it.

Things I Meant To Post but Didn't: Part 3

My niece and nephew sure are cute!!

I wonder how old Ripley has to be before I take her on a plane??

Things I Meant To Post but Didn't: Part 2

Driving down to Ripley, I got a speeding ticket. How do I know? Speed camera. Took the car's pic and sent it to my boss (who owns the car)... AWKWARD! Made more so by the fact that the 13 year old told me about it 'cause "it was cool".

The best part? The fee. $50

$50!!

I got a parking ticket on 37th St and it cost me $115.

NUTS!

I loves me a DC speeding ticket!

Things I Meant To Post but Didn't: Part 1

At the incredible Harlow's Hide-A-Way on Monday- Jenny did some funny tunes, Robb sang a great song, Honi kicked ass, Bunny Love smeared lip stick on her face while standing naked making all of us uncomfortable. (The lipstick came from her cooch, btw.)

And Bella? Bella did a tap routine to LL Cool J's I'm Bad. Totally Mili Vanili'd it after learning Garage Band and making her own track, stuffed Cool J cookies in one pocket and jelly beans in the other and pulled on her Kangol and tap shoes. It was awesome!! (if I do say so myself!)

But as Bunny Love said before her number- here's where it gets "weird"... an audience member approached Bella post-her number and said the following:

"I am like obsessed with you. Fucking obsessed."

How does one respond to that?

(But picture yourself wearing sequin pasties and an Adidas jacket, gold chain and fishnets-

just like LL did in the 80s)

Don't get me wrong, I like a good compliment as much as the next guy

(especially when the "next guy" is Bella) but inspiring obsession??

Sometimes it is good to not have business cards....

For Anne 2.0

In the catalog? Ethnic Babies

On the package? Latino Babies

On cupcakes? Delicious!