So, um... What!

Just saw an advert for this on daytime TV!! Really??

This is how you step together your way into your Dad's footsteps?? Like I need to hear these people sing while I pretend to follow the routine?

Yeah... no.

Do You Know These People?

So, we were out to dinner in East Hampton over the weekend...

and these folks were at the table next to us! I am convinced they are famous.

They look like they could be from Dallas or Airplane or they could be no one.

(I thought I went to college with someone from the movie Chicago

and it turned out to be Mya.... DUH!)

I charge thee with this mystery!

Figure it out!

It's De-Lovely!

It's De-Licious!

Get it.

Drink it.

You're welcome.

A Before and After Moment...

...on The Clean Slate Patio here at The BFG Apt.

The patio was getting very I Am Legend...

(just sadly, without Will Smith)!

And so I weeded and weeded and weeded and well, weeded!

No one wants to BBQ with weeds!!

Let's Go Outback Tonight!

Out back on my patio!! Chris likes fire and we liked the shrimp on the barbie!!

My Gnomeys Get Down!

Joining the Patio at The BFG Apartment.... Turbo and Ozone!!

Two fantastic, little gifts from Devon, Horse Whisperer! She's dope, yo!

And so are my new Shorties!

(PS... Ozone is, of course, the sexier one!)

The Strangers

The. Scariest. Movie. I. Have. EVER! Seen.

At one point, I screamed and flailed about in such a way that I karate chopped and split my straw. I was so tense upon leaving that I may actually need a massage tomorrow. It was simple, suspenseful and flawlessly frightening.

I LOVED IT!

Deep Thoughts with Usher

"Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men." --Usher

Yeah, that's it Usher. Thank the Lord you have uncovered the truth. As with most things.... MEN don't have jack to do with it! And yet still they manage to make it all about them. Fascinating. I wonder, if in Usher's esteemed wisdom, about places with a higher men to women ratio if the reverse holds true. Rewrite the science books people... it ain't nature or nurture its just numbers!

Lord, but it doesn't take much...

... to make my list!

(It's harder to get on Mary Murphy's Hot Tamale train- although is that a bad thing?)

11. There is a real fucking dillweed across the street from me who owns a parrot. It may a different kind of bird, I don't know but for now... let's go with parrot. Evidently. the parrot lives near the window. And evidently, the window is open. I can hear this thing squawking from my living room, door shut, TV on!! Seriously, if I lived next door, I wouldn't even pretend I didn't kill it and eat it. Just wait for my neighbor with a tiny fried wing and a new feather boa. As it stands I am dying to borrow Nick's BB gun and do some target shooting. And if I hit one of the Real Estate beasts will I feel bad? Hell no. Fuck That.

ps... I am trying to record this thing just so I can share how ridiculous it is but it only makes my desire for Southern Fried even stronger!

Dear TONY Producers-

I found your production amusing this year. Having not seen any of the shows- I still got goosebumps during the In The Heights number and Patti LuPone makes me jealous and even the number from Sunday In The Park with George (not among my favorite shows) made me sigh. I want to run and see August: Osage County and shake the hand of the now Tony winning director. I want to be in The 39 Steps as it just looked fab-o. And not oddly, Whoopi had her moments.

(My personal fave was her turn as Mary Poppins in which she declared...

"I can watch the children but I won't clean your house")

Here is my issue. The original cast of Rent got together to honor the show and its creator. The current cast sang a bit of La Vie Boheme and then the original cast took over for Seasons of Love. It should have been magic. Alas, the peoples of Radio City couldn't equip them with fucking mics that worked!!! For the love of all that's holy! To get to hear Fredi Walker sing that amazing note from the end of Seasons had me sitting up and crying in anticipation. Only me (and Patti in her cut away) were cringing!!! How is that possible?? How could they fuck that up?? Well, Tony Producers... you just became #10... Shit mics for the most anticipated moment of the Tonys???

FUCK THAT!

love, jenn

(and the insects of the BFG Apartment)

NEWSFLASH!!!

So, I had seen an ad for the new TLC show, Master of Dance- hosted by Joey Lawrence, and dismissed it. Now, I do love a good dance show. Sadly, my dance card is full and there is no room in my dance space for another one. Until I just saw a clip of it with a cut away to the judges table... LUCINDA DICKEY IS ONE OF THE JUDGES!!!

After 4 movies (yes...4), Special K is back!! TKO!

(of course, I would like more T & O and less very aged K... ahh, well. If wishes were unicorns....)

Oh, there's a 9!!

9. The fact that it is Friday the 13th and it ain't on.

On any of my four billion channels!

DJ What The Huh??

Fuck That!

(happy Friday The 13th, btw)

June and Other Things That Disappoint Me Right Now!

Ahh, June. Should be a sunny, cool breeze filled month. Um, yeah- not at The Big Fat Greek Apartment. Here at the BFG Apt., it has been a disappointing, angry, frustrated, sad month so far and we are only half way through it!! So, here, in no particular order, is shit that has left me disappointed, angry, frustrated and sad!

I am going to call it... The Fuck That List!

1. Corporate sponsors on reality shows. Sure, Idol has its Coke cups (which clearly don't contain just soda) but on So, You Think You Can Dance- they have Snuggle sponsoring Happy Dances and Extra Fruit gum bringing us one of the couples! Ummm- a) I like my gum like I like my toothpaste- minty. and b) really? Fuck That.

(Not on the list though is William B. Wingfield. Hello, Debbie Allen mentored Hotness! He is reason to watch. I mean Cat Dealy is charming and Twitch is still my fave but yes, please Will!

He lists Breakin' as one of his favorite dance movies of all time

as if his graceful, masculine, beautiful self ain't enough.

Thank you Mrs. Cosby!)

2. Bravo's A List Awards. WHAT??? If they were awarding all Bravo shows, I might of got it but they had whacked out categories and stupid nominees and the occasionally funny Kathy Griffin hosting. We could have a B List awards of all things Bravo and I would have enjoyed it.

Instead, I say Fuck That.

3. The Beasts that work at the Real Estate Office across the street from my driveway! They park in the No Parking spot at will and then are less than apologetic, ridiculously gross and fat, and just plain rude and entitled seeming. I hate it! I want to buy orange cones to leave there all the time because signs and paint ain't enough.

Or maybe I should be nice and just let them park when I don't have a car??

No, Fuck That!

4. In The Name of The King (A Dungeon Siege Tale)

Ray Liotta, Matthew Lillard, Gimli and my delish, Jason Statham... Should have been enjoyable. Not Oscar worthy, but fun to watch. No. Lillard tried a British accent and just gave up half way thru (not his worst decision), everyone else was American except my darling Jason who was just nice to look at. But it was the longest, crappiest LOTR wanna be I have ever had the misfortune to sit thru. And poor, poor Gimli- he had more personality as an Ent.

And I own this piece of shit. Fuck That.

5. That I have a billion channels and there is nothing on. With sleep not on the menu, this is bad. And the insects of the BFG Apartment Wild Kingdom like to come out and watch TV with me and they, too are unhappy.

Of course, Fuck That.

6. The house centipede. It is an unkillable minion of Satan. Apparently, a fine bug. They don't infest. They are loners. They just hunt other bugs. But they are gross and impossible to kill. I have sprayed them with a puddle of Raid and they just keep on walking. They are like crazy, efficient predators. Welcome to How To Catch a Predator- BFG Apt. style... it involves Windex.

I could think of them as the shark of the insect community but hey, Fuck That.

7. The fact that Lisa almost won Top Chef. Really, the fact that she hasn't been hit by a truck is enough to make me say, Fuck That.

(but congrats, Steph!!)

8. The ridiculously shitty hand I am being dealt by the Big Guy.

Once again, I need to be the adult, the mature one, the one who does all the work and very loudly I say.... FUCK THAT!

This list could go on and on but the spider beetles want me to change to channel.

Apparently Beverly Hills Cop 2 ain't doing it for them.

Well, Fuck That.

Oh, Will and Abby....

Cuteness becomes you!

Horoscopes sometimes ARE right on!

I adore Rob Brezney. He writes horoscopes for many free papers around the world... The New Times in Syracuse, The Voice here in NYC... anyway, I find his horoscopes to be wordy, out there, and always a bit much. But most of the time- they are right on. And this week is no exception. Subscribe to his genius at www.freewillastrology.com

If anyone knows the heart shattering insanity that is going on for me right now... you will subscribe immediately.

LIBRA - Week of June 12, 2008

"I've been all over the world and have lived among every kind of culture," wrote Dan Liebert on mcsweeneys.net, "and I can say, without any hesitation, that the most ignorant, rude, selfish, and self-centered people on Earth are babies." I agree with him, though I've got to add that it's senseless to get mad at babies for being such jerks. Their brains simply aren't sufficiently well-developed to be any different. This line of thought can be applied to a whole range of bad behavior by people who have technically reached adulthood: They engage in ill-advised actions not out of evil intent but because they're emotionally immature. Keep that in mind as you deal with anyone who's doing unreasonable things. Be the composed adult who's in charge of leading the big babies.

So, with sleep NOT on the agenda...

...TV is. I haven't watched a lot of The Colbert Report but last night he had a segment called "Threatdown" and the Top 5 Threat was Albatrosses. He had me right there but it turns out, in Hawaii, albatrosses have been living in female/female pairs. Raising babies, grooming, hunting, etc together like lesbian birds! Whoever wrote the segment last night is my new Idol! And I quote... I can't have these "albat-resbians" begin to "flaunt their Sappho Avian agenda on America soil!

We can't have our baby sea birds growing up to be Indigo Gulls!" Genius!

Watch it at www.comedycentral.com

Sappho Aian Agenda! GENIUS!

I think the Indigo Gulls could have some big hits...

Gull-alelo? Least Compli-eggcated?

Chickenman?

Hee Hee

Kerry Hearts Craig

And this one sure shows me why. If only he had made fun of Boniva. All days lead to the one day it has to be taken. Starring Sally Field.

Prom?

My Prom was on a Friday. Or maybe it was on a Saturday. But it certainly wasn't on a school night. Yours? The oldest kid in Nannyland went to his beyotchs prom tonight. (Or last night as it's after midnight). A Thursday. And the seniors still have school tomorrow. Weird, right?

Other people got to play in the Limo, too!

Begin at The Beginning.

It has been a tough, shitty week. But before it got that way...

My Dad got a new fish friend, my Mom got to pose in a limo, and a tomato grows in Astoria!