Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Sunbathing in The Rain
In her book, Sunbathing in The Rain- Gwyneth Lewis writes about depression. She calls it a "cheerful book on depression". I am not a girl that would normally agree with that statement given my experience with the d-word. But she makes some really great points about depression being the body's way of letting you know you are too far gone to recover without turning inward. The endless distractions and chores and rescuing that you do to stay in control day after day are just not gonna cut it when you are depressed. Now, I do not believe she is talking about clinical depression here but the depression that comes when you are say, attempting to cope with a shattered heart. Clearly, you can see why I re-turned to this book for some thoughts.
She tells a story about ironing being the perfect thing to do when you are depressed. "It requires no creative input but it has its easy victories, makes you feel that you're making good, orderly progress in your life without the expenditure of too much energy." Now, I don't know about that as I HATE ironing. Loathe it. Don't do it. But I certainly would have said the same about gardening before being metaphorically punched in the gut. But I get her point. Sometimes you simply need simple. A simple task that requires only the minimum. Particularly, when your mind and heart and soul are constantly racing between your own demons and beasties to maintain some sanity. I would like to thank my weeds for allowing me the opportunity to wage that war. And I would like to thank YOU as I feel like I know everyone that reads my blog. (Maybe that isn't entirely true... How could I know my millions of readers? I didn't know that Bella's reputation was bi-coastal before this weekend and turns out that's true!)
When you are lost, the path you have always taken is easy. For me, that's to find something to do, be super-nanny (or waitress depending on the times), keep busy, busy, busy. But this time as I try to hold on to my self... I am finding the most comfort in stillness. It's a new thing for me. I think it is working. As my shrink says- sometimes the most powerful choice is silence. Not a choice I often make but I haven't been paying this woman for years to stop listening now. So, I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who love me enough to allow me this time. Who understand that grief is not measured in days but in healing. Who are angry and fierce in their love of me and my fragile-ness. I don't like feeling fragile. I don't like feeling powerless and wronged. Who does, really? But I like feeling loved even as I exhaust myself trying to grieve and not trip down the dangerous, hateful path of self loathing that is the devil I know. It is tiring and sleep and stillness are good. As is gardening. Who knows... maybe I need to give ironing a go?
I thought today would be harder. An anniversary that means nothing anymore. A celebration that will never be as I imagined. But I made it. One weed at a time. As I have made it since the beginning of this madness. I am proud of myself for honoring my need to be still and find my own way back. I have gone through several pairs of gardening gloves and each one is so exciting to me. I have the peppers and tomatoes and fine, fancy patio as evidence of my "easy victories". And even though I was alone... I was not. I had so many people sending love so that I could bandage what needed to be. So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If I can be thankful for the weeds, then I will be ready for the flowers that come, too. I can sunbathe in the rain.
"To find a place of rest and safety, no matter how fleeting it may be, no matter how illusory,
is to regain composure and locate bearings."
-Terry Tempest Williams
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Back from LA LA!
LA... the place, the people, the myth.
*yeah, so I am pretty sure I DON'T like most of it but I did win $111.98 on a penny slot in Palm Springs, I discovered the joy that is Weeds, I got a lot of "shut the fuck up" ala Bat Dance via Ted, ate at the gloried Chick-Fil-A, hit my LA happy place- Cost Plus World Market, found out that Bella DaBalls is bi-coastal in reputation, experienced the WEIRDEST massage joint EVER, was reminded that old friends know you like nobody else,
and with more gratitude than I could express-
was reminded why Love Shack makes me think of Jason!
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Thanks, Stina...
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Monday, 21 July 2008
As Diamond D would say...
Sunday, 20 July 2008
Sleeping Satellite.
Ahhh, Tasmin Archer (who I oft confuse with Toby Lightman evidently). So, say you have been prescribed a pill to make you sleepy. To make sleep easier. Say instead you now lay awake to 4AM but are also anxious and sad to boot. Do you boot the drug and stick to pilfered Ambien and Advil PM?? Because here in Nannyland... 4 hours sleep is not enough!
Thursday, 17 July 2008
He Knows He Can Dance...
...Lil' C is an American dancer and choreographer according to his bio on the So, You Think You Can Dance website. He is also one of the most influential figures in krumping today. The list of stars he has worked with in his 25 years is incredible.
"It's really difficult to locate the avenue of gain when you are being chauffeured by loss."
This week he was a judge. Turns out, he is also an incredible wordsmith. He is eloquent and spoke some of the most beautiful truths I have ever heard anyone speak. His commentary was visible and poetic and precise and beautiful. Thankfully, I keep a notebook within writing distance at all times because I couldn't stop writing down his words.
Sometimes, the nail is hit on the head with the most unlikely hammer.
As I am certain he is reading my blog, I say thank you for speaking my truth.
"It's really difficult to locate the avenue of gain when you are being chauffeured by loss."
-Lil' C
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Time for an Opinion!
Dear Blog Readers,
I have wanted a tattoo for some time and have contemplated the design and placement for years and years. I love the idea of a tat on the ankle but as I learned during acupuncture- this is a crazy sensitive place for needles to be near!! X-nay on the ankle-nay! And who hasn't thought of the ass as a good place but when it starts to sag... what can you do? And the back of the shoulder is so done!
And then I started watching the Shear Genius. Not a great show, so don't bother... but there is a contestant called Glenn. And I LOVE her tattoos! She has 3 stars on her shoulder and now I want that, too! So, weigh in... Yes? Because as much pain as I am, how could I feel the tat, right?! Plus, ain't that why God made booze?
They aren't great but I would hate to make you watch the show.
And what with Project Runway starting up... who has the time??
Do let me know your thoughts, will you?
love, me
love, me
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
My New Favorite Thing!
These are my new favorite thing! I have always loved pumpkin seed but only those roasted at home by me (or my Mom). When you buy them in the store they are WAY too salty... WAY, WAY, WAY!! The closest I have come to home roasted are the ones from Eli Zabars (but they are like $400 for 5 seeds).
Enter Gerbs! I have only ever seen them at the farm stand in Bridgehampton but I now buy several packs at a time! The kids love them, too! (First Doug E. Fresh and Motley Crue and now... pumpkin seeds! I am such a fine influence!)
If ever you see them... you need to try them! Even if you think you won't like them- buy them! And then give them to me!! YUMMMM!
(and they are gluten free... Thank God!)
Life in The Hamptons, I
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
My Tide is High...
...of tolerance that is. For children on airplanes. And for me- airplane time is quiet time. I have no control, no one can reach me and as long as we don't die a fiery death or no one tries to be friends with me, I consider the flight tres successful! Airplane time is magazine time, it's book time, it's movie time, it's why the fuck can't I sleep time and when I hear a child cry (rare as I have acquired a fine set of Bose noise reducing headphones from Nannyland which I have on before we board) I think...
"I know how you feel kid". Maybe it is because I am a nanny but I don't mind kids on a plane. And they should be bored and cry. I am usually bored and want to cry.
But at take off and landing they are in their friggin' seats. No questions. I don't care if they don't want to be or how much they cry... they don't have the right to endanger me or distract the crew if I need one more cocktail!
But at take off and landing they are in their friggin' seats. No questions. I don't care if they don't want to be or how much they cry... they don't have the right to endanger me or distract the crew if I need one more cocktail!
And thus, I have no sympathy for the people that cannot control their children before a plane has even taken off. That kid a while back and now these people? Give me a fucking break. If it effected me on a more personal level, I would put you on my List. So, I say... you go Southwest. And don't feel bad that the kids have "issues". If they can't be controlled during takeoff then do not take them on a plane!! As a parent, your judgement should have come into play here and maybe you should have rented a car!
And what does the fucking kid have in that tank? A turtle? A hermit crab? I get my tweezers taken away and this kid gets to bring a small pet?
STAY HOME!
Thank you and have a lovely day!
Monday, 7 July 2008
Sunday, 6 July 2008
Coors Light + Freezy Freakies =
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Friday, 4 July 2008
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Nannyland Sucks The Life Out of Me.
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