And the Lord* Said....

...let there be LIFE on the patio!

7 (yep, 7) dead baby birds, one dead mouse and the loss of a second fish are enough.

NO MORE!

(said a la Jim Belushi in The Principle)

NO MORE!!

Kick it Hosta!

Do the Cabbage Patch, Cabbage!

Curly Whirly Parsley and Say What Squash!


Ta Ta Tomatoes!

That's Amore, baby.... Roma Tomatoes and Basil? YUM!

Hammer Thyme!

Baby Got Begonias!

Purple Reign!


(*in this post- the role of "the Lord" will be played by ME, Lord of The BFG Apartment!)

Got Him!!!

Another Good Thang

En Vogue back together. I don't mean to "date" myself but... I remember watching this episode of Arsenio Hall in high school. And of course, I saw En Vogue open for Vanilla Ice (who was opening for MC Hammer) in 1990. Just saying... These four women singing together again? That's a VERY Good Thang.

Hope You Didn't DVR...

'Cause you won't be alive long enough to watch it, Motha Clucka!

Did you watch a fine episode of L&O? Dane Cook's new comedy special? Mouse porn?

Well, you got your last TV show, beyotch...

your ass is mine!

Good Thang.

We need some goodness up in the BFG Apartment!! Illness, death, and don't even get me started on the evidence that I have a cluckin' mouse!! None of these are a Good Thang. So... I am startin' a Good Thang Series!

And first up... SmartFood Popcorn Clusters!

They are GOOOOOD! I have only tried the Chocolate Cookie Caramel Pecan. But I like the CCCP so... happy to carry on with it! And not just delicious... each bag has 120cal and 2grams of fat. And fiber, too!! It is a great snack! And a Good Thang!

Zombie Ants???

Enough about me and my dead birds and my swine flu (which appears to be just a regular ass flu that knocked me off my feet and seems to be getting better).... Let's talk Zombie Ants!!

Scientists in Texas have hired a swarm of tiny phorid flies to like my flu, kick the ass of hordes of fire ants! Apparently, the flies attack the fire ants and lay their eggs inside 'em. The larvae cruise up into the ants' heads, which eventually FALL OFF and the ants just wander aimlessly.... some might say Zombie Like, until the adult fly hatches/the ant dies. How nuts is that?? I see a movie here people.... (ant)Hill of The Dead? (ant)Queen of the Damned? The Fly (that makes ants into zombies)?

What? Potential Swine Flu isn't enough...

...well, how about not just another dead baby bird but one that is ALMOST dead? That way, you can spend the entire day alternating between feeling miserable and lethargic AND sitting on the patio staring at a dying baby bird.....

Here is the state of things right now.

Me with (Swine) Flu

Dying Baby Bird

Dear Big Guy- This may kill me. Enough. Maybe tomorrow I will feel stronger. But for now? Enough. love, jenn

Swine Flu? Check Yes or No.

Symptoms of swine flu are like regular flu symptoms and include fever, cough, sore throat, runny nose, body aches, headache, chills, and fatigue. Many people with swine flu have had diarrhea and vomiting. Nearly everyone with flu has at least two of these symptoms. But these symptoms can also be caused by many other conditions. That means that you and your doctor can't know, just based on your symptoms, if you've got swine flu. It takes a lab test to tell whether it's swine flu or some other condition.

OK, not looking good, people. I gots it all except the runny nose. No diarrhea or vomiting either. Will keep you posted. Have called Dr. Eunice. She will make it better. This is all shades of wrong. I need a nap. Clucking Swine Flu.

...Breaking News...

Three more Queens schools are closed due to new swine flu outbreak. This is pure coincidence and not a sign that I have swine flu. Sure, I have all the symptoms but they are also the symptoms of regular flu. I have regular flu. Just a standard flu bug. Right?? RIGHT!!!

Fever.

I was feeling pretty gross yesterday. The sore throat I had had for a couple of days was turning into that achy feeling- swollen glands, headache, all tea all the time feeling. And I though I had a slight fever. Not much into thermometers so, a fever as told by the back of my hand on forehead method. Went to work though more for appearances sake, made it through therapy and then came home and fell asleep on the couch for 5 hours. Woke up in time for Housewives Part 2, of course but was clearly not enjoying it as I would have wanted to. (Though seriously, Kelly- when even Ramona thinks you are crazy- you're crazy.)

I am feeling better this morning but last night was not pretty. I went to bed with a 101 fever (finally got out the thermometer) and spent the night cursing my pillow for not having a "cool spot". That's how much heat my head was giving off. Yikes.

Maybe I got the bird flu??

Recap. Housewives. New Jersey.

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

"Teresa is also a treat because she has three daughters. Their names are Milano, Asti Spumante, and Prosciutto Royale and they are all beautiful talented little bundles of vicariousness. Teresa claims that she is not a stage mother, no way bucko. She just likes to make her six-year-old daughter, Risotto, pose in sexy rapstress poses and would like her to have an acting and singing and dancing and modeling agent in New York City. Because, you know, the little fucker is just plain talented. And there's no denying that. Why fight the spotlight, you know? You can't. You just can't fight the spotlight."

Richard Lawson's recap on Gawker may have just saved this horrible, scone and death filled day. These Housewives and their bubbies are riDONKulous! But this recap is something else!

(Thanks, TwoCanAnne, for having a link...) Now, I must Gawk- who knew??

full article here....

http://gawker.com/5252367/real-housewives-of-new-jersey--make-our-garden-state-grow

And then there were three...

So, I bury the two baby birds I find this morning. The Gnomes and I come together for a moment of silence. Papa Bird makes an appearance. We tip out some bread for our fallen homies. (Which is much more play than last week's dead bird got as I feel personally invested in this nest having been adopted by My Bird).... I go to get my laundry. Come back. And there was a third. A THIRD! Three babies in one day from the same nest. I couldn't bring myself to make another headstone. Awful. Just awful.

Circle of life- blah, blah, sob.

a sad, sad day on the bfg patio....

"Evidently, it's a bright, shiny vagina."

On a random wander 'round the Barnes and the Noble one afternoon, I stumbled on the book The Devil You Know by Mike Carey. It looked good. Professional British exorcist, paranormal stuff, mayhem, chaos, etc... the perfect book to take with me on Nannyland's Spring Break Tour.

I did not expect to have to have it all but surgically removed from my hand. It is STUPID good. Clever, deadpan, creepy, smart, funny- EVERYTHING I love in a book. With the added bonus of not being able to get it's sequels in the US! (It's like a disease, I swear.) But I love Mike Carey so much that I promptly hit up the amazon.co.uk and got books 2, 3, and 4. Which I devoured. Devoured! I shipped book one to Jason. Talked it up so much that Gary bought it also. (and LOVED it) Mr. Carey is a very successful comic book writer. And as a novelist- he is so good, I wanna buy comic books. I have never bought myself a comic book. Ever.

All I can say is... if you are able. If you like this kind "shudderingly noir" thing (an apt description provided by Daily Express)- then run, walk, order this shit, yo! Felix Castor, freelance exorcist, is da' bomb. And Mike Carey is a helluva writer.

The title is a quote from Book 4... Thicker Than Water

and who doesn't love a bright, shiny vagina?

I Heart Buffalo.

And me being me, how shocking that after family, of course-

the things that make me love my birth place are edible!!

Wings, Beef on Weck and Sponge Candy? Now that's a friggin' meal, people!

Roll it Out!!

I gots a blog roll. I gots a blog roll. (I am a bad blog follower but I will be better as now) I gots a blog roll...

PS... Have you gots a blog that needs a roll?? Wanna be on my roll? Do I know about your blog? If I don't- I SHOULD!

March 1973

Me & My Dad lookin' FIIIINE!

Potential Puppy #1

And we're back to the I Want A Dog portion of our program. I thought I would post some pics of potential puppies and get votes! Believe it or not... Bachelor/ette #1 is a Mini Labradoodle.

Why?

1) It's got a fun name to say!

2) They were bred for low shed/allergy needs and thus, I like.

3) I have looked them from a far for awhile without knowing what they were and now that I do...

4) It is part lab. But as a miniature, they get to be about 40lbs. I can handle that. Plus, poodles are supposed to be smart and shit.

5) They are really soft and super cute and can come inside (unlike my bird)!!

So, what do you think??

Bread!

Now is good. Seriously, I will continue to hop cute-ly about your patio and wait at your doorstep... Have you seen ME?! I am utterly charming!

I LOVE MY MOM!!

On Mother's Day and EVERY day!

"Everything I am and hope to be... I owe to my Mother." -Nona

FINALLY!

Emma has kicked Emily's ass after 12 long years of Name Game Domination*!!
*according to the great power who counts baby names! Could be Social Security,

could be Dr. Spock. I don't know...

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Mickey Carroll. Among the last of the original Munchkins from the Wizards of OZ passed away on Thursday. He was 89.

By the mid-1940s, Carroll was spending much of his time in St. Louis. He settled there and worked in the family business making cemetery monuments. When The Wizard of Oz appeared on television in the 1960s, he found a new career raising money for charity and attending Oz-related events. "When they see me, they think of their childhood, and it makes them smile," Carroll said at a special screening of the film in Los Angeles in 2005.


He makes me think of my childhood. And not of my normal response to the "vertically challenged". He got paid $125 a week to be in The Wizard of Oz. So little for so much...

The Fashion NO!

At some point I may regret this post... I took back the fun I poked at Cardioke. I watched that Oprah show with Maddy's parents and though I still would not have made the choices they made that night three years ago in Portugal, my heart bleeds for them.

But right now- WTF Bravo? I know you are mad that you lost the Project Runway to Lifetime but The Fashion Show should be called Project Run AWAY! Scamper, show. Scamper. On the New York Magazine Approval Matrix, my TV viewing habits would be completely Low Brow (and perhaps a bit Despicable). So, it ain't like I am a TV snob! Drag Race, Tough Love, Toddlers & Tiaras... bring it ON! And yet, I have some issues with this show.

Formatted exactly like Project Runway- eccentric designers, insane challenges, emaciated models, famous fashionistas judging it all- The Fashion Show appears to have it all but somehow gets it wrong. I know, there has only been one episode but I like my judgements snappy!

PR worked for me because Heidi is ditsy and fun. Tim is well, beloved-ly Tim. And the designers are just a bit too much but fun to watch. TFS has the seemingly bitchy Isaac Mizrahi, the bitchy (and on what grounds??) Kelly Rowland, foolishly harsh guest judges and then there is the contestants... Pictured- case in point! These people are insane! I wouldn't wear a single thing off their backs let alone what they designed. I don't know... I need a hug from Tim. As Isaac says... "We're just not buying it. Bye, Bye Darling." (Really. That's the send off line.)

I do like to give things a chance- hell, maybe it will grow on me. Maybe, darling. Maybe.

T.G.I. WTF?!!

Clifton Park, NY. Man orders broccoli at T.G.I. Friday's and finds a snake head.

He and girlfriend don't pay for dinner but get a fine photo with their cell phone.

The lesson? Never get vegetables at a T.G.I. Friday's. Unless it's fried.

In fact don't get anything at T.G.I. Friday's unless it's fried.

Mmmmm. Fried Snake.

On a side note... The last time I went to a TGIF (in Riverhead, NY) they had added a Dessert Sampler to their menu. I like this. If I owned a restaurant, I would do this.

...sans snake, of course!

Also... I wanted to use a snake pic for this post but I feared for my beloved, Moshe- who does not like the snakes.

Hell No! She's Not A Ho!

Wait. First the Oprah hawks free chicken and NOW the first African Playmate of the Year?? Darth Vadar back on the big screen.... What's next? A black President?

CRA-ZAY-ZY!

Hell No! We Won't Go!

'Cause Oprah says "Free Chicken"!!!

Sit In to follow....

The S is For Super

Keeping With A Theme...

Yep. Still playing with this "getting in shape" idea. Though as I have been at it for like, 3 whole days now... I am unsure as to why I am not 30lbs thinner yet? Whatevs.

This morning I had a smoothie. I like smoothies. Especially with ice cream and chocolate and... This was not that smoothie. This recipe came from Health magazine. It was pretty tasty actually so I am passing it on. And apparently, this almond milk stuff is all good for you and shit so... "Milk" is a bit of a stretch however. Almond-y WATER would be better. No matter...

Green Tea Smoothie with Mango and Pineapple

8 oz unsweetened vanilla almond milk

8 oz brewed green tea (umm... didn't have that so doubled the "milk")

1/2 C frozen mango chunks (used fresh myself)

1/2 C pineapple- fresh or canned in its own juices (I used frozen)

BLEND! (I added ice for consistency. Wish I had added 1/2 a banana)

So, in truth, I just kinda made a tropical almond milk smoothie! Good Stuff!

OH... I forgot the best part.... I quote this from Health, btw.

Serve with 6 walnut halves on the side

Huh? a) because there isn't enough nut product involved here? b) why not 3 walnuts c) thank God! With only 4, I would be starving! d) not on top?

So much to poke fun at really in just one little sentence!!

Dear Billy Blanks, Jr-

When I first saw an ad for Cardioke, I made fun. I put a picture on this very blog and well, made fun. But ever since I started watching Exercise on Demand (1025 on my TV) and contemplating actually doing a workout, I admit, I have been drawn to your option. I tried some AM Yoga (it was only 11 minutes), some PM Stretch (I like the low key stuff. Oh, and 11 minutes) and even a Cadio Dance (short but stupid) but this morning, I gave in.

I am not normally up at this hour. In fact, I loathe being up at this hour. But as long as I was up, I thought... sure, an AM Stretch-ilates sounds good. But there you were- calling me... "Come. Sing. Dance. CARDIOKE!" And I did, Billy Blanks, Jr. I did!

And I LOVED it!! First of all- you, sir, are adorable! Just adorable. Although, I enjoy you referencing your "wife" and I am sure he is adorable, too- it is you that hooked me. And Jackie. What a voice. Good stuff. And the 25 minutes seemed like 24. You did The Time, Billy Blanks, Jr. And Jackie wears bandannas on her wrist like Ozone.

I am not promising I will see you tomorrow morning but I might. I just might. I do apologize for my early misguided attempt at humor. Sure, your concept is so cheesy it needs crackers but I like cheese. And crackers. Who am I to make fun? Who am I, Billy Blanks, Jr? I Am Enough*. That's who.

love, jenn

*I Am Enough is the cool down song written by Billy Blanks, Jr's wife. Very take it to the self help church but it got a little amen from me. And then it went on for like 18 more minutes and I realized... someone doesn't like his man getting all the play.

Gross.

Ginger Tea. I don't care how good it is for digestion. My stomach can stay in mother cluckin' knots. This shit's GROSS.

What do I need... a ton of honey to make this yummy?

Cook MYSELF Thin!

Yesterday, I caught this new show on the Lifetime (5 & 5:30 at my house) called Cook Yourself Thin. Shockingly, it is a British show... retooled for America! And although I thought- "Whatevs, cooking show with a diet twist! Pass the Ben & Jerrys!" I LOVED it!! 3 Chefs (one from the British show, one from Top Chef, one from somewhere else) and a woman's daily meals. The chefs take the guests meals and make them over in a thinner way! (Think applesauce instead of oil stuff) Well, they had me a cupcakes made with zucchini!! Zucchini, I tell you!! I printed some menus, I shopped thru my tears today (it has been a bad day) and although I didn't make the cupcakes... I started with the grilled flank steak with rosemary rub and balsamic reduction. HELLOOOOO!!! Delish! I am buying a grill pan- screw you, George Foreman! So good! It was supposed to be served with a cauliflower potato mash but I went with roasted veg since I knew I liked those! But the mash is happening! As are the cupcakes and maybe even the cookbook!

I feel like I have done a fine job filling the Matt size hole in my life with food. And now I feel like I jammed at 6ft tall man into my 5'4" frame... so a change has gotta come! And daily DVRing of Cook Yourself Thin is part of that change! And of course, my updates of the recipes! So, get rubbin' your flanks because it is good!! Tomorrow- the cupcakes!

http://www.mylifetime.com/ is the main link and then head to the show from there!

Ahhh, Cinco De Mayo.

Is it too early to start celebrating a battle I know nothing about except that it clearly involved Coronas and tequilla?

Sweet Little Bells...

I kinda wish my blog was Scratch-N-Sniff... for you, of course.

I gots my lilies of the valley right here!

My Gentleman Caller...

Once upon a time, on my magical BFG Patio, a bird built a nest. Sure, the nest was built in the vent for my bathroom but it kept that nest warm and cozy and apparently, homey.

As spring sprung, and the chirps got louder and I knew we had some lovely babies getting ready to fly. The Patio is indeed, magical. (And at least somebody was gettin' some.

In a vent. Intended for my bathroom.)

But more charming than the magic of well, the circle of life, is the Papa Bird. He used to hover, as a good Papa should, 'round the patio- flying in and out of the nest with things. Some of which he dropped, making a giant patio mess that he didn't seem to be the least bit concerned with- as long as his Woman and their Babies were all good. Sometimes, I would scatter some bread about the patio along with his mess. And without a huge amount of alcohol or Match.com or a bride's little brother- a relationship was born.

Papa now sits on my steps every morning. He chirps and chirps and doesn't even flinch when the door opens. Even the screen door barely makes him flinch. He hops out of its way, sure- but he waits for me. He waits for me every day. And I have bought a loaf of bread. Sometimes, his Woman swoops down and grabs up a snack but her Babies are her home and I am ok with that.

I just can't wait for the morning that I hear a chirp, chirp, chirp and open the door to see My Gentleman Caller and his Babies lined up on the step with a big thank you Banner. Until then, I continue to be charmed each and every day. And the magic of the Patio continues to shine.... How could anyone not want to wake up here? (Maybe the Banner will also explain that?)
The End...

Talk Dirty To Me!

"Bumblebees and a few other native bees are able to vibrate the flower- something a European honeybee cannot do- shaking pollen from the stamens to the stigma, where it fertilizes the ovules that will become seeds inside a pod..." *

Oooh, yeah! Your stinger is sooo big! You are making me buzzzzz!

*bee porn provided by the New York Times article entitled Come Hither, Bumblebee, and Pollinate

I Wanna Be Julia When I Grow Up!

Thank You, Rachel Maddow!

For many, many things but tonight in particular for having this DeGroff fellow on your show. Oh, and for making fun of conservatives that don't know The Colbert Report is a satire! Good Lord.

Anyway, this guy made a mint julep and was smashing ice in a special burlap looking bag so that the water was absorbed by the bag and the ice was at its driest. Thus making the bestest cocktail! Well, a man who knows that knows from cocktails! Yes, please on the book! And yes, PLEASE on a Book-Warming party on the Bitchin' Patio!!

A Mini Game...

Backstage at AMERICANBLACKOUT was a small area. And as The Tank has a different something every couple of hours, there was many a prop that didn't belong to us. A wheelchair, a table, a piano... there was also varying set lists and scene break downs posted on the wall. I have no clue what this particular list was from, I just know that nightly- I picked a new favorite scene. I want YOU to have that opportunity as well! I have no clue what those scenes actually were as I have no clue what the show was but good golly Miss Molly- I kinda wanna write 'em! So, go on... what's your favorite??

OH... I was keen on #3 for a while. Bruised/Make you breakfast? Sounds like a helluva a hook up. But it is #16 that I wanna write.

Me: Hello

Menstruation: Hello.

Me: I hate you.

Menstruation: I am a gift from God so that you can...

Me (interrupting): Oh, Fuck Off!

NO WAY!

Kittens... If you are my real friend (as defined by the Facebook, of course), then you have already read of the greatest patio discovery since my Praying Mantis friend! A hidden Lily of the Valley crop! Color me happy as a clam! (What color is that I wonder?)

Lily of the Valley is my favorite flower. I love its delicateness, its tiny perfection and its heavenly smell. I am not a girl who has ever been given to dreaming about how my wedding would be but when my mind wandered... it was always to my huge bouquet of lilies of the valley! (This was long before I thought about how tricksy and expensive that would be, of course and yet still... someday!) My parents gave me the perfect little bouquet of them when I graduated from college which I dried and still have! (Again, my real friends know just how long that is and thus how impressive!)

So, the BFG Apartment has a two car drive attached. For the first 8 or 9 months, the owner of the building had his car parked in both spots and the rest of the drive was taken up by an insane amount of leaves and garbage and grossness that I absolutely refused to rake! Not my job!! And then the Old Fashion Leaf Raking party happened and I was outvoted and the mess was cleaned up. Seriously... horrid. I would not have been shocked if there had been a body underneath all that mess. CSI: Astoria, indeed! And so, the drive was ready for two cars. I rented one spot to my pal Marcy's man and kept the other for Nannyland purposes (or Thunder or guests, etc). I have kept up on the tidying of the area now that the major clean up had been done and I was thrilled to discover that somehow, someway a crop of Lilies had bloomed! Again, color me clam!

And I am thrilled to have just one little strand of sweet smelling perfection on my desk every day! I am sure there is a making lemonade lesson here but I am too pleased to care!

As I said on the Facebook... it is like a little gift of your favorite flower from Mother Nature!

And I am mighty thankful!