January 25th....

...which is today, is considered the most depressing day of the year. Traditionally (though I am not sure I like thinking of this as a "tradition"), this day is the first Monday of the third full week of January and is calculated by very important people based on debt and time since the holidays and the weather and maybe something math-ish.

Today lived up to the title. The weather is gross (Ripley was uber-confused by the umbrella). Rain. Rain. Rain. And wind and gray and ugh. So that doesn't help. I am overwhelmed by all that I have to do this week and by my puppy- who is having some serious separation anxiety, It is the one week of the last several months that I really need to have it together and I simply don't. If you haven't figured it out or don't know me at all- if I do something I want it perfect and my definition of perfect is probably stricter than most folks. I hate feeling like I am letting people down and I hate feeling out of control. Today is bringing on both.

And I am living in the past today. On the Dog Whisperer, Cesar says you can't live in past behavior or you fuck up your dog (I am paraphrasing a bit here) but it made sense. If you approach your dog, who is sensing your approach before all else, worried or harried or frustrated or predicting- they will feel it and they will live it. I am approaching my today with all those things. All the ways I screwed up and I blew it and I didn't live up to my standards and people got hurt or I got hurt. UGH! Fucking Blue Monday.

The upside of all this was today's Oprah. Rosie O'Donnell was on Oprah today. I have always been inspired by Rosie. Inspired and horrified and envious of and impressed by and amused by... Her humor, her heart, her crafting, her weight, her control issues. Anyway, she and Oprah spoke of how she is handling growing out of and into her relationship with her ex-wife. They spoke of how she learns from and loves her children. They spoke of her career mis-handles and how she will define her "second chapter" and her willingness to step out of her history.

And at one point Rosie said this.... "If I had been braver, I would have just cried." And I promptly burst into tears. I have been braver than I am today. The last year, almost two, has taught me how to feel braver BY crying, by staying in the weakness and the breaking open instead of breaking down. I think Ripley is reminding me of how it feels to be not the least bit in control. (she knows it, btw) And in the face of all the chaos of being a producer, a performer, a majordomo, a personality, a dancer/rapper (yeah, that's right- I said dancer/rapper- for Monday's show!), a friend, a dog owner, a QVC Product Expert... I am toughening up and getting ready to rage (and rage a little) and I have forgotten the braveness that staying still and breaking open requires and rewards. And now I am also grateful for Rosie, too.

And so, with Ripley staring at me and resting on my heart- I cried a little. For what has gone wrong and what will inevitably will go wrong- this week and beyond and for Blue Monday existing. And I feel braver already. Brave enough to make a To Do list and start checking that shit off! First on the list? A cupcake and a cocktail in honor of the Most Depressing Day of the year NOT kicking my ass as it threatened! And then I am going to play with my dog. Everything else can wait...