If touchin' the Queen is wrong...

...I don't wanna be right! It's not like she grabbed her ass! And the Queen touched her first so...

I Pity the Fool...

...who didn't make it to the Oregon Candy Farm before it closed. A sad day indeed. Here is me... at said Farm in 2Grand4... What is in my hand, you ask? Their delightful Mt. Hood treats! See it's a snow capped mountain (as the Farm was located in the shadow of Mt. Hood) but it's made of coconut and chocolate and magic!

So, last night as I sat, longing for something to fill the empty spaces of my heart and ass, I craved a Mt. Hood. But the Farm is far, far away and oh right, closed. And so what is a girl to do? Make her own, of course!! So, I took some coconut and white chocolate and made my mountains....

...then I melted some chocolate and dipped the mountain in to give it that "snow capped" look.
And now my ass (and my heart) are easily 10lbs fuller because I can't stop eating them!!! I shared one with Jim but have been left alone with them ALL DAY!! And at this rate, their may just be one left for him when he returns!! Looks like the only FOOL today at my house is ME!!

But I am a happy, chocolate and coconut and magic filled fool.

And darn pleased that the Oregon Candy Farm existed.

(Oh, and that Jeff & Kelli decided to live in Welches. Still no grape juice

but you have to pass this magical Farm to get there!!)

Everything's Coming Up....

Finger Nails?? Well, not on my gnome infested patio... there it looks like hyacinths.

But over at Athea's Nails... the tips are blooming!

Happy Spring!

Me and My Grandparents!

Because...

... I love rhinos and this picture could be of me in a few years. (Mainly, because Lord knows- I love a fancy pair of shades and a jaunty chapeaux) But I love this card expecially because I am sure my lovely Altman will be there to take the picture! Thank YOU, Anne!

Bell Biv DeVoe - Poison (1990)

Because I heard it on the Sirius yesterday and can't stop singing it! Never trust a big butt and a smile...

Caught Up!

And
so,

















upon my return from Nannyland Spring Break, I needed to catch up on my "stories". And I have many a response.... In order to not be accused of any sort of spoiler, I will do my best to talk in code.

1. I have a new crush and it's Jesse James. I also think Dennis Rodman is on the wrong reality show... Heads up, RuPaul- he is ready to start his engine! And in dire need of a bitch slap.

2. Speaking of Ru- CAMAROOOON! Glasscock can suck it.

3. Bret Michaels is a skank. Charming and funny but still a skank. How come no one wants to ride the bus with Big John?

4. Benny Ninja is my ANTM right now. These girls be ti-red.

5. Idol with 4 judges also blows.

6. Although I am sad to identify with the 38 yr old, Tough Love is almost too tough for me. Because it hurts. As the truth does. So do the retarded corny lines like "blossom like a flower". Whatevs.

7. Somehow I didn't DVR Hells Kitchen? WHAT?! Thank God I have other Gordon on the DVR.

8. IS it wrong that I am not the least bit offended by the Pres and his crack about the Special Olympics? Why is his "slip" so grave? Especially as our last contestant/President couldn't have bested any competitor in the Special Olympics of Talking.

9. I miss the Tools.

Rocky Mountain High

Yep, we flew COACH to see cousin Cayla!

Visions of Utah...

M.I.A.

That's been me!! Lord, it was a stressful week! Out of town guests and gone away Moms and impending trips to Utah making me all sorts of anxious! Plus, there was the birthday gifts to get bought and sent and a multitude of stuff ticking me off! World stuff like bullshit bonuses and men who should just be taken out and shot (I speak primarily here of that Austrian man who FINALLY plead guilty to rape after locking his daughter in the basement for 20 years and fathering his 6 grandchildren). And I left my drivers license in Long Island. A whole lotta drama.

But now as I sit in the Crystal Inn in Logan, UT.... after taking pics at a Tabernacle Church and a Bull Semen farm (not the same place, btw)- I breathe slightly easier. I still have to get through Colorado and Arizona before heading home to rest for 2 days and then right back at it... but I am definitely feeling more like any post won't be a total rant fest! And I saw I Love You, Man today which made me laugh. And Hot Fuzz which ALWAYS makes me laugh. And Jay said Gloucester over and over and I didn't cry (he says it, then hugs me and shouts "whyyyy would Matt leave us?"

which also makes me laugh)....

All in all... good stuff. Plus, now I know where to get bull semen. There ain't nothing wrong with that!

Ahhh, Ireland.

Where I am pretty sure people don't throw up green beer on the sidewalk.

At least no one did whilst I was there with me Ma!

SPRUNG!

Just when I lost hope that not a single bulb survived that cluckin' squirrel's dirty diggin' paws.... Peek-A-Boo!! Not one, not two, not even three.... BUT FIVE!! Five little plantys reared their tiny heads! YAHOOOO! I can't wait to see what they are! Paws off, Squirrel! The patio is MINE!

Pig In Boots

You're a 6-week-old pig on sausage farm in Thirsk, England who suffers from mysophobia. Mysophobia is a fear of dirt. You won't touch mud. Hate it. Won't wallow. What do you do?? How do you avoid being a cocktail wiener instead of a full grown kielbasa?

You get a clever 12-year old on your side who knows the power of footwear!!

And suddenly, with two tiny pairs of Wellington boots- you are a SpokesPig. A Mascot (sure, for a charity that raises money for farmers. A bit ironic but even Heidi Klum was catalog once)! A family pet and no longer breakfast! It's like a fairy tale. Congratulations, Cinders. Do you need an agent? Cause next week on Tyra... "Shoes CAN Change Your Life"

You Go Cinders! Your Boots were made for Wallowing!

Dear City of New York,

Mayor Bloomberg,Town of Astoria, King of Queens-

Really?! Jack hammering on Saturday? REALLY?!

I hate you.

Sincerely,

Angry Taxpayer

Silence of The Legos!!

Brilliant! BRILLIANT! Not for the kiddos or to play loudly in the office but really F-ing funny!!!

33 Words

When we come to it/

We must confess that

we are the possible/

We are the miraculous,

the true wonders

of this world/

That is when,

and only when/

We come to it.

-from "A Brave and Startling Truth" by Maya Angelou

Sure, a little inspirational for me... but I had cut it out of somewhere and found it on my desk this morning! I like it. I am working on believing it! You should, too!

Vermont A Go Go!

And so, I shuffled off to Vermont this weekend to celebrate Anne. Whom I love enough to cross country ski for. I hate cross country skiing. HATE. But I love a good weekend away with good food and good people and good booze and lots of Advil!

Cause THAT'S a good cluckin' time!

I Know Crazy!

There are two things that I think I know... funny & crazy. As I have been remiss of late about posting, I thought I would share some stories in the news that are funny, crazy or both!

KETTERING, Ohio (AP) — Police in Ohio say a woman has been charged with child endangering after another motorist reported she was both breast-feeding a youngster and talking on a phone while driving.
Police in the Dayton suburb of Kettering say the caller told them he saw the woman Thursday.
Officer Michael Burke says authorities used a license plate number to track down 39-year-old Genine Compton.
He said the woman told officers she was breast-feeding and wouldn't let her child go hungry.
Burke said the legal concern is that Compton had a child in her lap while driving, not that she was breast-feeding in public.

So, um ,yeah. I got a ticket once for texting while driving because it hampered my ability to drive. As I imagine a tot on one's tit does as well. I gots two words for you, Crazy... PULL OVER!

WINNIPEG, Manitoba (AP) — A man accused of beheading and cannibalizing a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus in Canada has pleaded not guilty.
The lawyers for Vince Li are not disputing that he killed Tim McLean in what passengers described as a random, horrific attack last summer. But the lawyers will argue Li was mentally ill and not criminally responsible.

First off... I appreciate them using the word "accused" but the whole bus saw the dude behead Passenger Tim. I don't know tht mentally ill is an issue as this mo fo was clearly CRAZY!

FORT PIERCE, Fla. (March 3) - Authorities say a Florida woman called 911 three times after McDonald's employees told her they were out of McNuggets.
A police report said 27-year-old Fort Pierce resident Latreasa L. Goodman told authorities she paid for a 10-piece last week but was later informed the restaurant had run out.

Can you say McCrazy!?

Just plain funny.

You need More??

Oh, you got more!! America's Best Dance Crew (and/or the cast of Breakin' 3: OrQUESTra-loo).... Flat out BUCK!!

No, REALLY!

So, maybe you don't like the music. Maybe you don't like the style. Maybe you are a recovering Ballerina. Maybe you are just really concerned about my addicition to dance shows... BUT THIS IS CLUCKING NUTS!!! I dare you to watch it and not be impressed. I DARE YOU!!!