Funny Story...

In order to tell this story, I have to come clean. I drive too fast. I know I do. I always have. I consider myself a very safe driver but I do drive fast. It has been easily 10 years since I have gotten a speeding ticket (except for that one I got picking up Ripley but it was in West Virginia so doesn't count) and for a NYC girl- I drive a lot. Back and forth to the Hamptons, in and out of Manhattan, hither and yon to the 'rents, oh- and that cross country trip to Oregon.

But last summer, I got a ticket. I was rushing from camp to the vet in East Hampton- whatevs. I paid it. I plead guilty (as I was), I forgot about it. Until December. When I got a ticket coming home from the 'rents. The 65 had become a 55, I didn't notice, I paid it. The end.

OK- I got two. I know. Bad. I get it. Slow down. I know. This is not a story about that. This is a story about what happened next.

Two weeks or so ago, I got a letter from the DMV explaining that my license was to be suspended for 31 days starting March 4th. I was to surrender my license at the DMV in Flushing before that date. But then the letter got confusing- for $85, I could have a restricted license. For $50, I could get the suspension lifted. As I had already paid a couple hundred beans in ticket fees, I didn't enjoy the idea of paying more. And also- why did I have to surrender my license? Clearly, the DMV has a computer system. I need it to get into places where I go to be funny. PLUS- I had never heard of any of this happening to anyone! So, I made the trek to the DMV in Flushing (a 20 minute DRIVE) (unless you're me-I can do it in 15) (just kidding.)

Clearly, there was a sale going on. And at the risk of sounding like Diamond Don- it had been posted in every Juan, Chow Fat and Shanequa's hot spots! I was outnumbered, out scented (P.U.) and annoyed before I even joined the FOUR HOUR line!! So, I went upstairs to the Traffic Division. I did, after all, have a traffic matter at hand. I still waited an hour. Standing. Listening to more Derron, Jose and Mohammed's whine and bitch and moan. Torture. And then I got to the window.

DMV folk are not notoriously friendly and my teller/ barista/ bitch was no different. I was chipper and friendly (despite the circumstances) not fighting my punishment just asking for clarification. She was all, "What? Your license is suspended. Buy an ID if you need one." Then she dropped the bomb. "Besides, since you didn't pay your assessment, your license has been suspended since January anyway. You need to go downstairs for that." Sphincter says what? When I asked how would I know about this assessment that I had never heard of, she showed me her computer screen and said, "In a letter. It's right here if you think I am lying." My restraint at this point should be noted cause all I wanted to do was punch her. Instead, I politely remarked that I had not received such a letter so could not have known about this assessment. She informed me that "in this state when you get 6 points, you have to pay to drive. Next." For the record, I hate her. Remember the line downstairs was FOUR HOURS LONG.

I was done. Fork. Stuck. Done. So, I went home and blew my diet with a cupcake and vowed to handle it the next day. Little did I know, the sale at the DMV would be at the Harlem branch, too!

I arrived at that branch (via public transport, for the record) at 11AM. I didn't get seen until 2:15. They made me throw away my coffee. I read Dean Koontz. I listened to Adele. I played solitaire. I texted my boss. I listened to people argue in more languages than I knew existed- with each other, with someone on the phone, with the DMV staff. "I've been here two hours!" "Baby, I said I was sorry. I am at the DMV." "If you just told me what to do I could do it, bitch." Good times. By the time my number (D845, in case you are wondering) arrived and I could approach window 11, I was almost delirious. It is only by the grace of the Baby Jesus that my teller was lovely. At one point she asked me to get out of her window cause she couldn't laugh anymore. For the record, I love her.

Here's the breakdown, people. Because I didn't pay installment numero uno of the $300 assessment I didn't know about, I got further penalized. Then I got another ticket. So, I made it worse. It didn't matter that I paid my tickets like a good girl, didn't fight them with some crazy ass story, was polite to the officers. In short, it didn't matter that I accepted my consequences with grace- I got to accept them with money! I am not sure how me paying $300 should be called a Driving Assessment. It should be called a Bank Account Assessment. And then the fact that they added another $350 should be called Assault with a Deadly Fee. I haven't felt so violated since I walked off a Disney ride (that I paid $50 to get into the park and ride) and into a Gift Shop that I wasn't escaping without a $75 magnet!!!

It was when I asked if she was getting a cut that she told me to get out of her window. Then she dropped the bomb. "You can keep your license if you need it for ID and now that you paid the $750, it is valid for driving until March 4th but before the 31 days is up- you need to come back and pay $50 to have the suspension lifted."

WHAT?!?!?! How is this state broke? Seriously. I am stunned. I burst out laughing- a sound all 450 people in the DMV seldom heard, I am sure. My new BFF was tickled that I found it all so funny. I said, "it's either laugh or punch you in the face." So, I have to pay a fee to end the punishment I paid a fee to enjoy after paying fees in the first place!!!

I can't wait to hear what my shrink has to say about this next week, Since I missed my appointment with her to experience this afternoon delight. My appointment was at 2:30 and at 2:00 they were on D842, I wasn't going. I was singing And I Am Telling You and mentally calculating the fee for canceling at the last minute.

Moral of the story? a) don't speed/get caught speeding and 2) FIGHT IT! Everytime. Kick, scream, learn another language and scream in that, too.

Have you ever heard a funnier story? I mean, really. I should charge you a fee just for reading it!