Where DO Puppies Come From?

This morning, Ripley and I saw a pregnant lady in the park with her dog.

"Did I come from your belly, Mom?" asked Ripley on our way home. "Oh, Ripley", I replied, "you came from Virginia!" Obviously, she had some questions and so I told her all about

Where Puppies Come From!

I explained that she came from a tiny town called Berryville, Virginia and that I went there to pick her up with her Auntie Anne. And how we met her and snuggled her and then had lunch in the sweet town formed by Benjamin Berry in 1798...

"Fascinating. but... Do all puppies come from Virginia?" she asked. "Oh, Ripley", I chuckled, "puppies come from all sorts of places! You know Charlie- your Burnese Mountain Dog friend? He comes from a Mountain. And Garp- comes from a World that is all according to him!"

I was prepared for this talk- though maybe not so soon (my girl is growing up!)- and had ordered just the thing to help explain! Luckily, I get every catalog known to man or I would have had a much harder time!

See, there's this catalog that has a toy that explains all about where puppies come from and I had ordered the whole set just for this very day! They are faithfully created stuffed dogs (or teaching tools as I like to call them) that come with a native outfit, home and bowl of treats! Just like in real life! Think how much harder it would be to get kids to learn about "different" without those life like dolls and accessories they use! Anyway- as you can see from the triptych below, Ripley quickly learned that her Northern brethren prefer whole fish for dinner whereas the Boston Terrier eats either elongated baked beans or maybe, wieners BUT they get hats!

"Have you ever been to New Found Land, Mom?" asked Ripley. "Oh, Ripley", I admonished. "No one goes there. Hell, I am not even sure where it is."

"But I have been to Mexico and I met some Mexican dogs when I had to throw up road side in Carmelita due to the food poisoning I got BEFORE heading south. Your Uncle Ted shouted, 'NO! PERRO!' at them and I thought he was talking to me!! Oh, how we laughed- when I stopped vomiting. But much like this chihuahua here, we are sure they headed back to their casas wearing sombreros and ready to eat tacos."

"ANYWAY... I have also been to York. York is in England where Auntie Jo & Phoebe live. Though they do not live in a cottage. Nor have I ever seen Jo in Burberry. And I am a little irritated that the best they could come up with treat wise is a bone. Hellooo? Yorkshire Pudding? And Gizmo is a Yorkshire Terrier."

"Gizmo is a dick, Mom." "Oh, Ripley. Englishmen are all dicks- except Pappy Alan."

"And I have been to Paris. Auntie Sarah came with me and was in charge of all things French except the croissants. Which as you can see, our beret wearing poodle friend who lives in an Eiffel Tower model home, eats them, too! We never saw one. Maybe they were on the map, but I quite aggressively threw ours away when Auntie Sarah paid more attention to it than me!"

"Aren't I part poodle, Mama?" inquired my little smarty pantalon. "Indeed you are, Mon Cheri but you still can't have any chocolat!" "Pants in French is singular?" "Yes, Ripley. I googled it."

"What is this one, Mom?" asked Ripley of the final dog. "Ahhh, Ripley." I replied.

"That is some sort of Asian dog called a Sharpei. We can tell because it's house is called something Asian and that outfit is very Geisha-like and it appears to be eating an egg roll or a wonton of some kind."

"These dolls seem a bit UN-PC, Mom. I mean, what's next? An Irish Setter that is drunk with a potato? A German Shepard wearing a Hitler 'stache and eating some schnitzel? A Pit Bull that has a small ghetto and a 40? And don't even get me started on the Cockapoo!"

"Oh, Ripley," I replied. "The world is a complicated place and catalogs like these are above the rules of 'PC'. Besides, the point is Puppies come from all over the place! Now, it's time to get in your house, Mama has to go to work. Work. Mama has to go to WORK."

"Bitch. You're not my real Mom. Cluckin' Virginia. Now get me a treat."