Merry Christmas Day!

From waking up to a gentle snow (and a romp with Hershey) to massages to fun with penguins at the Casino... It was indeed a Merry Day at our house! Hope it was at yours, too!!

Oh, Otter....

On Sunday, my brother's dog got hit by a car and didn't make it. This has left me utterly shattered.

I fucking loved that dog.

And I hope the douche bag driver- who stopped and got out but clearly didn't give a shit about his lack of caution or the fact that he had just killed one of God's BESTEST critters-

feels the pain of a thousand hammers whacking his nuts.

If only "getting the tape" fixed all broken things, Eli....

Breaking Weather News from The Patio!!

Yep, Looks like SNOW!

You're Welcome!!!

And a big thanks to Kerry for forwarding this blog to me! Oh, but I laughed and laughed.... And then I forwarded it to Jim- who laughed and laughed from the other room! Some funny shit, yo!!

Here is a sample....

Just because you have your mouth opened like that doesn't mean I can't see those giant needles on your entire body ready to impale me, Hedgehog. You think I'm afraid, but I also don't want to hurt you because you're too cute, right? Well, you know what, Hedgehog? You cross me, in ANY way, and I WILL NOT HESITATE TO DESTROY YOU. Believe that, Hedgehog. Now watch your fucking step.

Creator of www.fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com - will you be my new best friend?? Go! Read them ALL! Wish for more... You will just laugh and laugh!

Praise The Lard...

...and Pass The Biscuits!!

That's what my magnet from Nashville says, anyway!

But it was only one of the many, many highlights!!

Oh, yeah... it was a filling and tasty trip! Much like the biscuits!!

Meanwhile....

By The By....

Santa came early to the BFG Apartment this year...  Well, Amazon delivered a giftie early- I could have waited, I guess, but hey- patience ain't my virtue, baby!  Besides, my Mom was on the phone when I opened it and my Dad said, "You're welcome! What did I get you?" so...  I not only feel good about it- I feel sparkly! And the included Gloria Jean Hazelnut k-cup was a pure delight! 

Maybe I can bring some biscuits back from Nashville (the ones I had today at The Loveless Cafe were OUTSTANDING!) and we can have coffee together! One cup at a time, of course! 

Where My Girls At?

Hittin' Photo Booth in Nashville, yo!

The Tale of the Yellow Shirts...

In 1985, my family went to Disney (the one in Florida... Land, World, whatevs). We also took in many, many wonderful places that I feel still influence my travel needs! (Weeki Wachee- The Only City of Live Mermaids- is still among the coolest, kitschy-est delights EVER). But Disney, as you may guess, was the highlight. Our T-Shirts? Like highlighters! See, in my memory, my Mom wanted to be able to spot us in the throngs of potentially dangerous people that lurk amongst the rides, kidnapping at will and so she chose for us the YELLOWEST shirts ever Made (in China, no doubt). Forget seeing us from Frontierland, she could see us from SPACE! I had Minnie on mine. My Dad, had Donald (what with the name and all) and my Mom, of course, had Daisy. But the star of the day was worn by Jeff. He had Goofy on his T-Shirt. And you can imagine the shenanigans that ensued when we encountered the "real" Goofy on Main Street, USA. Not allowed to speak, Goofy kept pointing at the shirt, miming a pen, pointing, miming, pointing... you get the well, point? And my Mom, who had assumably taken a Mime Course at the Learning Annex, shouted, "he wants to autograph your shirt, Jeff!!" Oh, the excitement as she dug in her purse* for a pen (*may have been a fanny pack for safety). Oh, the jealousy as I wondered where the hell Minnie was and why wasn't I signing her fucking shirt?

In the end, Goofy autographed my brother's shirt. And then leaned down and was forced to ASK my mother where she got it- which had been his question all along. The lessons? 1) Don't assume anything when there is a Disney character involved. And 2) For every shade of yellow, there is a beholder to see its beauty. Oh, and 3) In no universe, was that beholder my Dad. As I am sure he doesn't have on his fine 80s jacket for warmth!

On a side note- and not that I should be one to talk with my high waist white shorts and mullet-esque hair do but I love that my Mom got a strangers gut in the pic!

WOW!

Rat dog as Geisha? Sweet Mother of God.

With all due respect- someone made this. Took the time to make this.

MADE IT! Crafted it and wants to sell it.

And the scariest part... someone else will buy it.

Christmas... In a Galaxy far far away!

"Modeled after the most well-known astromech droid in the galaxy, this R2-D2 holds a 1 3/4-gallon aquarium tank in his central compartment, ideal for a small freshwater family of goldfish, gouramis, or tetras. The domed head rotates with any vocal command you issue and he utters his familiar "bleeps" from the Star Wars® movies. His radar eye houses the eyepiece to a built-in periscope that provides an intimate view of the aquatic activity below, allowing you to watch your charges swim towards the food you've dropped in from the dome's removable feeding door. Includes filter and overhead LED tank lights that randomly morph between red, blue, and green (lights can be disabled). Includes a two-sided waterproofed cardboard insert depicting scenes from the movie as a background. Plugs into AC. 30" H x 16" W x 16" L. (9 lbs.)"

That's right.... an R2-D2 Aquarium!!!

If only they made an Eye of Sauron gerbil fun land!!

This Christmas...

Day 4 on the VCL brings us to my newest want- a terrarium!! (Complete with Gnome, of course) 

I kinda wanna craft it myself so I guess I should actually put 

Terrariums For Dummies on the VCL...

Oh, Sleep...

...where art thou? 

Nine-Points of Ass Whoopin'!!

SEDALIA, Mo. (Dec. 2) – A hunter* bagged a big buck on the second day of firearms season, but the kill caused him a lot of pain. Randy Goodman, 49, said he thought two well-placed shots with his .270-caliber rifle had killed the buck on Nov. 19. Goodman said the deer looked dead to him,

but seconds later the nine-point, 240-pound animal came to life.
The buck rose up, knocked Goodman down and attacked him with his antlers in what

the veteran hunter called "15 seconds of hell."
"I felt his front legs go over my face," Goodman said.
The deer ran a short distance and went down, and died after Goodman fired two more shots.
Soon, Goodman started feeling dizzy and noticed his vest was soaked in blood.
So he reached his truck and drove to a hospital, where he received seven staples in his scalp and was treated for a slight concussion and bruises.

(*the hunter in the pic is NOT the hunter in the story! That guy is stupid. The hunter in the pic is my Dad. He is neither stupid nor a hunter that assumes a deer is dead.

Cause you know what they say about when you assumer...

U get your ASS kicked by a MEan, pissed off deer!!)

Wee Fish Ewe A Mare Egrets Moose....

Day 3 of the VCL and I thought I would give YOU a gift!! If you have never heard this, teach it to your kids (or most immature friends)... It has lived in my head for far too long!! It is called The Animals Christmas and is sung to the tune of... well, I will let you figure it out! A gift and a challenge! YAHOOO!

Wee Fish Ewe A Mare Egrets Moose

Wee Fish Ewe A Mare Egrets Moose

Wee Fish Ewe A Mare Egrets Moose

Panda Hippo Gnu Deer!

On The Second Day of (my Virtual) Christmas...

...my true love gave to me- some cash and a "Fairy" decree!

(couldn't resist!)

So, before yesterday, this would not have been on my VCL,

but thanks to my wise and cruel Mother- now it is!

And I want one NOW!!!

All I Want For Christmas Is...

It is a time of list making and present wrapping and re-gifting and

gift crafting and so I thought I would add a gift a day to my

Virtual Christmas List!!
(Being on this list does not indicate that I have any real need for the item...
they are just "if I could have it all" type choices!
So, please- don't run out and buy them!

'Course if you really want to, I can't stop you, now can I?
My ring size is 9, btw!! Hee hee...)

Hamptons + Adam = FUN!

Fix Me A Turkey Pot Pie!

WAY better than soup!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Give Thanks. Be Full.

I am full of thanks for YOU!

Ahh, Snapfish...

What a delightful mug I was able to create with your help!

Adam and I were very excited to take a pic for Eli!

We even decided that blurry edges and a twinkle would only enhance the goodness!

(in hindsight, perhaps the focus should have been the mug! There are 12 pics of me and Eli on it! It is a fine gift idea, btw!!)

Almost Made Me Spit Out My Beverage!

Two times in the last couple days, I have read something so funny, I almost spit my beverage out....

On Sunday, whilst watching the AMAs (or killing time until True Blood- whatevs!) and singing the praises of Pink and her performance via texts with my Mom... this was her response!

Isn't it delicious when your Mother can accept your imaginary Supermodel girlfriend?

Ginger Ale (almost) all over the place!

And this morning, as I approached ye olde lap top, cup of tea in hand, big stretch going on...

I found this! Lodgers are FUN!!

TEA (almost) DOWN!!

Ahhh, a "check" and a note...

Did He Really Want To Hurt Him?

LONDON (Reuters) - Singer Boy George handcuffed a male escort to the wall of his London home after accusing him of hacking into his computer, a court heard on Monday at the start of his trial on false imprisonment charges.
The former Culture Club frontman, being tried under his real name George O'Dowd, made contact with 29-year-old Audun Carlsen over the Internet and the pair arranged to meet for a pornographic photo shoot, the Press Association reported.
Snaresbrook Crown Court in east London heard how the meeting appeared to be going well until O'Dowd started to suspect Carlsen of hacking into his computer.
But they parted on good terms and the singer paid the younger man 300 of the 400 pounds they had agreed.
Over the next few weeks, they exchanged emails in which the singer accused Carlsen of breaking into his computer system and the pair also disagreed over the naked pictures.
But in later emails, O'Dowd said he would like to see Carlsen naked and they agreed to meet for a second time.
It was during this encounter that O'Dowd appeared to "take matters into his own hands," prosecuting lawyer Heather Norton said, and chained up the younger man.
Carlsen told the court that a second man helped hold him down while O'Dowd beat him.
"George was slapping me and beating me and punching me and screaming things," he said.

Carlsen said he managed to escape after unscrewing a hook from the wall, and the court was shown photographs of red welts on his head and injuries to his arm which he said had been inflicted during the attack. O'Dowd denies the charges against him. The case continues.

And on Sunday...

We gave thanks for Jake! The only boy in a room full of women who was NOT disappointing. And even though, we know that someday, odds are Jake won't call her back, he won't tell the truth, he will be unable to man up, he'll bail on plans and basically- just be a guy...

for now, he had us all wrapped around his little finger!

And I was darn thrilled to be there!

CUTENESS Cornucopia!!

On Saturday, we gave thanks for so many things- the popper coming up, the brave ringleader of the cuteness fest, a stunning feast and most importantly... each other! I am beyond thankful for my dear Hanna for easily 8,456 things (and that's just this year) but at the top of my list right now is my "Cornell In-Laws"!! Without her, I wouldn't know Amy and Shannon and Eunice and Marike and I am so blessed and thankful for their friendship! And if their four little cuties can't make a gal feel the bounty of goodness that they haveand give thanks for... well, I don't know what would!

(And don't even get me started on William....)

FYI- Number two on the list is her Cranberry Sauce!

I took some home and have since put it on oatmeal, dipped a scone in it, and added it to booze!

Good friggin' stuff!

True Blood...

...I miss you already and the season finale hasn't even aired yet!!! But you- yes, you, Lafeyette- it is you I will miss most of all.

No Longer a Virgin!

I have lived in New York City for just over 12 years. In that time, I have done many a stereotypical NYer thing- I killed a cockroach and went back to sleep (the first moment I felt like I belonged here), I no longer run to the empty car on a packed, rush hour subway (there's a reason it's empty- normally, it's homeless and it smells), I order meals to be delivered just for me, despite living in Astoria- I have bemoaned going "all the way to Brooklyn!", I have been in Harlem at 2AM and lived!, I go to the movies alone. I get excited now at things that were everyday in my youth- Wegmans, $1 chicken wings, entire bar tabs under $20, driving, hot dogs on a grill....

But there was one mission I had chosen to accept, one boundary I hadn't crossed, a cherry to still be popped and I am happy to report that.... yesterday, for the first time in 12 years, one month, and one day (I am almost positive)- I dropped off my laundry for someone else to do!!!!!

That's right! Yesterday, I picked up my sparkling, clean whites- all of them folded. Apparently, one can fold a fitted sheet after it has been taken out of it's packaging... who knew?? And I made my bed and slept like a bear in winter! (though that may have been the emotional exhaustion of the last few days + red wine + Advil PM) I may have dropped them off like a guy buying his first box of condoms ("um, just looking. So, I will take a 50cent box of Tide, some dryer sheets, oh, and how did these get in here?! Well, I'll just take them...") but I picked them up with glee! So, thank you, Lovely Ladies of Laundry for being the most sparkling, freshest scented, lowest cost first EVER!

Nothin' Like A Little Kid N Play...

...first thing in the mornin'!

"Much more than hair and a smile!"

Everytime he speaks...

...I fall more in love!

He was just a treat tonight on The Report.

Like a Cory Booker cherry on top of a Colbert Fudge Sundae!

YUM!

Carb Overload

Long have I loved the Rigatoni and newly have I adored the toast!

Who says carbs are bad?!

Make Mine A Double!

Allowing an old friend to move into your home because they are in a horrible situation that could undo all the work he has done to become and stay sober? 48 hours.

(of finding homes for an entire room full of well, crap!)

Amount of sanity that seems to be flying out the window as the hour of his UHaul approach approaches? Seemingly all of it.


Wanting a HUGE cocktail (or 12) to kick off the day and get ready for 5 of his AA pals to invade my home with furniture and my new lodger? PRICELESS!
(or problematic... you pick!)

I Want A Shed!

Yep, a shed. I can store rakes and Gnomes and my BBQ grill in it...

And maybe any number of boxes of crap from my needing to be emptied spare room!!!!!

Besides- who else has a shed in Astoria?

This is a lovely cedar option...

Of course, those plastic ones are a bit closer to what my shed budget may allow!

Word!

The following words have been added to the Oxford Dictionary....

Aerobicized

Blowback

Bahookie

Crunk

Hoodie

Meh

Riffage

Zombie*

Or if you prefer them in a (run-on) sentence...

MEH! My bahookie is so aerobicized 'cuz I was crunkin' hardcore in my hoodie to his phat guitar riffage workin' off all this frustration I gots 'cuz of the blowback from this election and shit!

*for the record- zombie has been a word for some time now but a new definition has been added! Something to do with computers... Whatevs! The zombies in this pic are old school zombies! WORD!